The Second Half of Marriage

Are you in the second half of marriage? Check out these symptoms:

• You have teenagers who will soon leave the nest.
• Your own parents are aging.
• You were recently invited to a 25th high school reunion.
• You exercise more and burn fewer calories doing it.
• You just received an invitation to join AARP.
• By the time you get your spouse’s attention, you’ve forgotten what you were going to say.

If you identify with these symptoms, you are in or are approaching the second half of marriage. The first half of marriage involved launching your union and surviving the active parenting years. Did you, like us, think those children would be around forever?
With the birthing of the second half of marriage, couples enter an uncharted course where mentors are few and far between. In the past, people didn’t live as long as they do today. Increased longevity has many implications for your marriage. A second-half marriage as long or longer than the first half provides the opportunity to build a closer friendship, to set new goals, to travel and pursue new interests and hobbies, to begin a new profession, to influence your adult children and grandchildren, and to continue to make an impact on this world in one way or another. The second half can be the best time of life! But marriage at this stage comes with challenges.
The transition into the second half of marriage is a crisis time for many couples. The current trend is alarming: long-term marriages are breaking up in record numbers. According to the National Center of Health Statistics, although divorce in the United States generally declined from 1981 to 1991, divorce among couples married 30 years or more showed a sharp increase.
From our surveys, we discovered that for couples who hang together through the midlife transition, marital satisfaction begins to rise again and stays that way—if couples risk growing in their relationship. The second half of marriage gives you the opportunity to reinvent your marriage, to make mid-course adjustments, and to reconnect with one another in a more meaningful way. Healthy long-term marriages have staying power, because they’re held together from within. Competent couples invest time and energy in building and maintaining a positive relationship with each other.
From our work in marriage enrichment over the years, and based on our surveys, we believe that the following 8 challenges describe the areas in which couples with healthy long-term marriages are investing their energies. We’re convinced that if you work on these 8 challenges, your marriage will be enriched. If you don’t surmount these challenges, your marriage will not be as fulfilling as it could be.
1. Let go of past marital disappointments, forgive each other, and commit to making the rest of your marriage the best. Are you willing to let go of unmet expectations and unrealistic dreams? What about that missed promotion — for either of you or your spouse? Can you give up your dream for a condo on the ski slope? Or maybe you’re realizing that your kid is never going to be a Rhodes scholar or professional baseball player. Can you accept those extra pounds? Those gray hairs —or lack of hair? Your mate’s little irritating habits don’t seem to be disappearing —can you accept them?
Giving up lost dreams and dealing with each other’s imperfections is a positive step toward forgiving past hurts and moving on in your marriage. Holding on to marital grudges and disappointments will only prevent you from moving on in your relationship and developing a new, more loving marriage.
2. Create a marriage that is partner-focused rather than child-focused. Too often when the children leave the nest, couples move from a child-focused marriage to an activity-focused marriage. Community or church activities may now take up the time and energy formerly devoted to children. Unfortunately, these activities may still be buffers to a mutual, partnership marriage. How can you make the transition to a partner-focused relationship?
In the second half of marriage, the dynamics of the relationship change. Roles and functions that previously worked are no longer relevant. Without children as distractions, you have the opportunity to refocus and redefine your marriage. Marriage in the second half can be more personal and more fulfilling as you focus on the couple relationship and not on children.
3. Maintain an effective communication system that allows you to express your deepest feelings, joys, and concerns. What can you do when the communication patterns that seemed to work during the first half of marriage are found to be inadequate and lacking for the second half? With the children absent, there are more spaces of silence; there is less to say to each other. You may ask yourself, We made it this far —why is it now so difficult to have a really personal conversation?
When we begin to talk about really personal matters, it’s easy to feel threatened. Midlife is a time when it’s really vitally important to develop interpersonal competence —the ability to converse on a personal level by sharing your deepest feelings, joys, and concerns. Successful couples are able to find a proper balance between intimacy and autonomy, and this is critical for healthy relationships in the second half of marriage.
4. Use anger and conflict in a creative way to build your relationship. Love and anger can both be used to build your marriage, but you must process your anger in an appropriate way and develop a proper balance that allows you to express your concerns in the context of a loving relationship. A healthy marriage is a safe place to resolve honest conflict and process anger. The reason this challenge is so critical to long-term marriages is that in most conflict situations, it isn’t the facts that are the real problem, it’s the strong negative (or even angry) feelings we harbor. Once those feelings are dealt with, it’s simple to move on and work at resolving the conflict.
5. Build a deeper friendship and enjoy your spouse. At this stage of marriage, we can deepen our friendship and become close companions. One advantage of a long-term marriage is being more familiar and comfortable with each other. We know we aren’t perfect, so we can relax and enjoy each other.
What are you doing to build your friendship with your spouse? Are you taking care of your health and pacing yourself for the second half? What are you doing to stretch your boundaries and prevent boredom? The second half of marriage is a great time to develop as “couple friends.” How can we put more fun in our marriage and use humor to diminish the effects of an already too serious world? Friendship and fun in marriage —especially in the second half —is serious business!
6. Renew romance and restore a pleasurable sexual relationship. Many people assume that as people grow older, they loose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Amazingly, our survey results suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with number of years married. As we enter the second half of marriage, it’s important for us to protect our privacy, cherish our love relationship, and renew romance, while acknowledging the inevitable changes in our bodies. The quality of our love life isn’t so much a matter of performance as it’s a function of the quality of our relationship.
7. Adjust to changing roles with aging parents and adult children. Just as you need to release your children into adulthood, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time, you need to balance relationships with your own parents. If your parents didn’t successfully meet with this challenge in their marriage, it may be more difficult for you.
Whatever your situation, the relationship with your elderly parents and your adult children definitely has an effect on your marriage. Realizing and accepting what is realistic in your family relationships is so important. You can’t go back and change your past family history, but what you do in the future is your choice and decision. You can choose to forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.
8. Evaluate where you are on your spiritual pilgrimage, grow closer to each other and to God, and together serve others. Our faith in God and his banner of love over our marriage should make a difference in the quality of our marriage —especially in the second half. The relationship of the husband and the wife to God is tested and validated in their relationship to each other. The closeness we have when we pray together is a closeness we can achieve in no other way.
Let us challenge you to evaluate where you are on your own spiritual pilgrimage and to seek to grow closer spiritually to each other and to God. To meet this challenge, first you must be on a spiritual journey, your journey must have your attention, and your journey must be a priority. Also important to your marriage is a commitment to serve others and pass along the wisdom you have gained. This commitment is a natural outgrowth of love for God.
Marital success comes through daily struggles. Marriage is made up of the daily grind —the little things like making unselfish choices and forgiving each other help to build a healthy marriage. Little steps, if taken in good faith, can turn the tide. Our desire for you is that you will gain new insights and knowledge that will motivate you to make the rest of your marriage the best. The choice is yours.

Quote of the day..

Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing."

A Time to Think and a Time to Choose by Maribeth Jordan

I can see the sun shining down through my bedroom window today. It looks nice bouncing off the Jasmine that's wrapped around one of the deck supports. Regretfully, I am sick today, drinking green tea and lying in bed... my window will most likely be the closest I get to the outside today.

Since my father died, I have been feeling down most days. I can't figure out why I feel so down when I know he has died and went to Heaven.... something he has always looked forward to. I still look at his picture and can't believe he is gone. I guess sometimes you just never think your parents are going to be gone forever someday... after all, each one represents security (or at least they should have for some) to a certain degree. Security is hard to part with whether it being a job, companionship, health, etc... anything that brings one the comfort of security. Mental and physical security are alike but in the grand scheme of things so very different... which is worse, living life after losing two legs or love? Both have two very different effects on the human mind - which by the way, I have come to know is a VERY powerful force over the human body. Your thoughts (mind) can make or break you. So true in fact that the bible tells us...
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

When your mind, body and spirit are separated from one another (contradicting in action, thought or thinking) it's a self imprisoned battlefield. Let me emphasize the word SELF.... self will only take you so far and when your a child of the Lord he will allow you to cross that bridge that leads to nowhere with a sign saying DEAD END... we have no choice but to turn around and CHOOSE our next path. Remember the Lord gives us free will, our instruction is:  “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. Matthew 7:13

It's easy to do, think and act on the wrongs things and in the wrong ways, simply out of laziness, lust or greed. Paul writes about this type of behavior in Romans (7: 15-17) I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to get out of my "pity party". Sometimes, it's hard to just stop and pray, read or meditate on what is right. My mind gets caught up in that windstorm of negativity, fear, hopelessness, etc... you get the idea! Who am I apart from God? Better yet, who am I with God... Phil 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Part of my security (in my mind) was taken from me when my father died ~ that is my problem... it should not be that way because our only true security is in the Lord Jesus Christ our saviour. I haven't fully depended on the Lord for all things and still in my controlling mind I THINK  I - must worry, demand, inflict, cause, impart, control, sort, decide or change when all I should be doing is very simple... pray and rely in faith. Simple but challenging at the same time and for us "leaders" it takes restraint and self sacrifice to do so.

I will leave you with this. This life is hard and for those of you who think being a Christian will have an easy life is sadly mistaken. Look at the life of David, Paul and Moses just to name a few. Each of our walks with the Lord will vary and each one of us has a different purpose here on earth. Going at things our own way will not serve His purpose and will for our lives - we will miss out on what could have been. Our ways may bring short term happiness or comfort but will lack in long-term fulfillment and peace. One thing David, Paul and Moses had in common was a peace that surpassed all understanding in each trial they faced... and let's face it we will all come across trials. As a matter of fact we will all experience a time in everything:
Ecclesiastes 3:3-5
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

Who are you going to be with during those times? Who will you serve? I like what Joshua says best:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15

The Magical Mustard Seed

There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and asked, "What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?"

Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, "Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life." The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed.

She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, "I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me."

They told her, "You've certainly come to the wrong place," and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them.

The woman said to herself, "Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people than I, who have had misfortune of my my own?"

She stayed to comfort them, then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hotels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune.

The woman became so involved in helping others cope with their sorrows that she eventually let go of her own. She would later come to understand that it was the quest to find the magical mustard seed that drove away her suffering.

Quote of the day..

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it.
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor -
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back,
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now -
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin'
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair."

Langston Hughes, 1902-1967American Poet, Author and Editor
Related Quotes Books By Langston Hughes

The Gift of Pain by Dr. Stephen Davey

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
 
Many people believe that pain is God’s one mistake.
Pain usually gets bad press, but have you ever considered that a wise God created us with an ability to feel pain for a reason?
Dr. Paul Brand knewphysical pain is a gift. As he studied the suffering of people infected with Hansen’s disease—leprosy—he came to the conclusion that, at least in some cases, pain is vital to our survival.
While the word leprosy may conjure up images of stubby fingers and toes, ulcerated wounds, and distorted facial features, it is not the direct cause for these conditions. Because of pain deprivation, leprosy causes its victims to inadvertently destroy parts of their own bodies. Hansen’s disease acts as an anesthetic, numbing the pain cells of hands, feet, eyes, ears, and nose.
While most diseases are feared because of their pain, Hansen’s is deadly because its victims feel no pain. According to Dr. Brand, the destruction of facial features and limbs follows because the warning system of pain is gone.
In African and Asian villages where Dr. Brand worked, lepers reached directly into fire to retrieve a dropped potato. Patients at the hospital in India worked, gripping a shovel with a protruding nail; extinguished a burning wick with bare hands; stepped on broken glass. They simply couldn’t feel the warning signals telling them to stop.                                                                        
No wonder Dr. Brand concluded his findings by saying, “Thank God for inventing pain.”                                     Pain is both an essential and unavoidable part of life; the art of living is learning how to respond to pain.    God uses pain in several ways: to correct us—“It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes” (Psalm 119:71); to construct us—“. . . tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character” (Romans 5:3b-4a).
Pain, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, communicates a clear message: something isn’t right! The loss of a loved one, a job, physical ability, or any other type of earthly pain has been caused by Adam’s sin in the garden, as well as our own sin.
But there is the remainder of the verse in Romans 5:4 that says, “. . . and proven character [produces] hope.” Our perspective has to go beyond our lives—it has to stretch out into eternity. That gave the Apostle Peter hope and joy:
In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:6-7).

God has promised to set everything right; let God’s gift complete its perfect work! And while you wait, give Him glory—while you suffer, honor Him. While you get that which you don’t want—and don’t get what you do want—exult in Him alone. God isn’t finished . . . yet.

Quote of the day..

Do more than belong: participate.
Do more than care: help.
Do more than believe: practice.
Do more than be fair: be kind.
Do more than forgive: forget.
Do more than dream: work."