A New Stage: When Your Spouse Dies

When we marry, our goal is to “become one flesh” as the Bible describes in Genesis 2:24, Malachi 2:15; Mark 10:7-8; Matthew 19:4-6; and Ephesians 5:31. But what happens to the surviving spouse when their marriage partner dies?
That’s a question we’ve been asked many times here at Marriage Missions because of the “ripping and tearing” that many have experienced after their other “half” dies.
So to help you in whatever way we can —knowing that this will be a very painful journey that no one, except those who have traveled this road as well, can truly understand, below is what we have found. Below is a portion of a letter written to a widow that reached out to us for help. We pray God will use it to minister to your heart as well, and below it, we will include links to additional articles posted on the internet as well:
I’m so sorry to hear of the death of your husband. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be for you to get beyond this — especially at this stage in your grieving. My heart cries with yours over the pain you must be feeling so deeply inside.
I wish I could do more than what I can for you, but as far as sending you some things that might help you in some way, I did some research and came up with a few things that I pray will minister to you. The first is a web site that you might want to visit if you have access to the Internet (which I hope you do). Here is a description of the web site:

•  Griefnet.org Their groups operate 24-hours/day, 365 days/year to help those who are grieving with the loss of a spouse, child, parent, friend, and other unique losses. Members participate when they wish and are able to, not at a set time.  When one member of a group sends an email message to the group, everyone in the group receives a copy. This allows many people to respond with love and caring to the thoughts and feelings of an individual, day and night, year-round. Since 1994 these groups have helped thousands of people around the world deal safely with their grief.

Also, having lost my husband Steve’s dad just recently I’ve been reading a lot on grieving. Most of all it seems that those of us who have lost a loved one, need to do whatever it takes to get through every moment, celebrating the happy moments we had with our loved one and crying when we can (because tears are cleansing and healing). It’s also important to look for ways to get through the tough times with our heads held as high as we can. God will give you strength as you keep looking to Him and praying that He will be your husband (as He promised to those who are widows).
I did some searching for you and the following are various quotes that were given to me that were written by Martha Whitmore Hickman, from her book, Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief, that might help you in some way. She wrote:

• “In case we’re feeling driven to somehow ‘get done with’ our grieving (if I do it faster, maybe I’ll feel better sooner), let us be reminded that, as in many of life’s profoundest experiences—making love, eating, and drinking—faster is not necessarily better. Perhaps the thing about grieving is that the process will not be cheated. It will take as much time as it needs. Our task is to be attentive when the messages of mind and memory come. If we let them go by unattended the first time, they’ll probably cost more in the long run.”

• “Sometimes it’s the last thing in the world we feel like doing—getting out and being physically active. Aside from the effort it takes to get up and move, who cares whether we keep our body in good working order anyway? This is one of the times when thinking has to overcome feeling. We know exercise is ‘good for us.’ It’s hard to continue to feel depressed when muscles are working vigorously, when we’re paying attention to covering ground or swimming through water.
“As we release physical energy in these rhythmic motions, part of the energy of grief rides away, too. Part of the psychic value of such activity, I suspect, is that we’re witnessing our own competence, our ability to move rhythmically, to be ‘in charge’ of our bodies. Our sense of self-confidence will spread. Maybe we won’t be forever captive to grief after all. The physical invigoration of exercise invigorates our spirits as well.”

• “Sometimes we’re unconsciously fearful that if we begin to move away from our grief, we’ll lose what contact we have with the one we miss so much… Perhaps the relinquishing of our most intense grief makes a space into which a new relationship with the loved one can move. It’s the person, after all, whom we want, not the grief.”

• “May I hold my grief lightly in my hand so it can lift away from me. My connection to the one I’ve lost is inviolate; it cannot be broken.”

• “It’s a costly wisdom, and God knows we would not have asked for it. But it’s also true that coming through a great sorrow can make us stronger, and teach us what’s really important. But to survive the death of a loved one is no guarantee of greater wisdom. We can also become embittered, reclusive, and grasping. But if we can weather the storm, we’ll have a better sense of who we are and what we want most in life. And we’ll learn to savor and cherish cool water, sunshine and wind, the smell of roses—and the love and friendship we have now.”

• “Guess what? What women have known for a long time and maybe men are beginning to discover—crying really does make you feel better—and for good reason. Now we’re learning that crying has helpful physiological as well as psychological effects. Researchers at the University of Minnesota have found that emotional tears (as opposed to those shed from exposure to the wind, say, or a cut onion) contain two important chemicals, Leucine-Enkephalin and Prolactin, and that the first of these is thought to be related to one of the body’s natural pain-relieving substances.
“Tears are, they tell us, an exocrine substance—like sweat, or exhaled air—and one of the functions of such processes is to help cleanse the body of substances that accumulate under stress. Then why are we embarrassed by our tears? Why are we fearful they’ll make others uncomfortable? Often, when people cry, the work of healing can begin.”

• “No more apologies. No more uneasiness. My tears are for my healing. Perhaps, too, my tears will give others permissions to cry when they feel the need.”

• “One of the things so astonishing and costly losing a loved one is that, while the sun continues to rise and set, newspapers continue to be delivered, traffic lights still change from red to green and back again, our whole life is turned around, turned upside down. Is it any wonder we feel disoriented and confused? Yet the people we pass on the street are going about their business as though no one’s world has been shaken to the core, as though earth has not opened and swallowed us up, dropped us into a world of insecurity and change.
“It is, as Emily Dickinson says, ‘a new road’ —for us as surely as for the one we have lost. It will take us time to learn to walk that road. Time, and a lot of help, so we don’t stumble and fall irretrievably. Those who have had their own experiences of loss will probably be our most helpful guides—knowing when to say the right word, when to be silent and walk beside us, when to reach out and take our hand. In time, we’ll be helpers for others.”

• “Sometimes we berate ourselves: Why are we not doing better? Particularly if we’re people with any pretense to faith, why can we not muster the resources of faith and be a model of calm acceptance and inner serenity? It’s because we’re human beings and we’re hurting. No one worth his or her salt is going to think less of us if we acknowledge the shattering pain this loss has brought.
“People may conceivably hold us in some kind of awe if we exhibit an unnatural calm, but they’ll feel closer to us (and better able to deal with their own grief when their time comes) if they sense we’re being honest. We need to let the grief flow through us even as we try to be aware of the ongoing life around us. Sometimes it’s a matter of precisely that—letting the grief flow through us. It’s an act of the utmost courage.”

• “I will not further burden myself by trying to fit some image of a ‘model griever.’ The strength I have is the strength to be myself.”

• “Change is the order of life, yet how we resist it. Sometimes, looking back, we see that only by letting go were we able to move on to the new adventures, new insights and satisfactions. A widow, who had lived in her husband’s shadow, doing the dutiful wife-and-mother things, emerged after his death as a featured speaker at many church and civic gatherings. She said to me once, ‘Isn’t it a shame I had to wait until he died before I began to come into my own?’
“We live our lives in chapters. What was right for her in the early years of her marriage was obviously not suitable in her later years. Nor would she have wanted to consign home and children to someone else’s care when her children were small. There is consolation in knowing that change, even difficult change, brings surprising gifts. Though the thought may be unappealing to us now, let’s not shut the door too soon on something good that could be waiting for us in the next room.”

“I will keep my eyes open. Something surprising and good may happen tomorrow—or the day after.”

Also, the following are quotes from the book, Will I Ever Be Whole Again?, Surviving the Death of Someone You Love, written by Sandra Aldrich (who wrote what she learned after she was widowed). Even though we include several quotes in this article from the book, I HIGHLY recommend that you obtain it. There are many, many other statements and points and stories included in the book that will weave all of these statements together:

• “Our brains often move slowly as we try to absorb bad news.”

• “I’m convinced that our bodies are constructed in such a way that we must grieve. And if we aren’t allowed to grieve appropriately, we will express it inappropriately, often through anger or depression. …Bereavement is the time after a major loss. The outer signs, such as wearing black or having annual memorial services—such as the Ethiopians do—are set by societies.
• “Grief is an emotional response and can stay with us for years. But a thin line exists between grieving the loss of someone we love and grieving the way our life has turned out. We all know people who display grief so intensely even years after a death that they’re difficult to be around since they are convinced no one has suffered as they have.”

• “During the year I worked on a funeral-home counseling team with Dr John Canine, a Detroit area grief therapist, part of my job was to encourage new widows. Of course I knew the widows’ pain all too well, but while I agreed that [my husband] Don’s death was an amputation, I had decided it didn’t always have to bleed. Most women found comfort in my soothing, ‘It may always hurt, but it won’t always hurt this much.’”

• “The grieving process may be complicated by the individual situation, but the intensity with which we grieve often depends on a combination of four variables: the closeness of the relationship, and whether the death was sudden, premature, or violent. Any one of these characteristics means intense sorrow, but with each additional grief intensifier, our emotional pain deepens.”

• “Suicide, war, murder, accident, devastating disease. Death often is absolutely senseless and even my refuge of the sovereignty of God doesn’t offer a satisfactory explanation. How tired our heavenly Father must be of our blaming Him for the consequences of human decisions! I’ve finally settled on this: Our only choice in the midst of tragedy isn’t whether we’ll go through it, but how. Only the Lord’s presence offers comfort —and the hope that we will see our loved ones again.”

• “I truly believe that God in His re-creative way can bring His good out of our pain, but I also believe that we have to be willing to see the good that is created. But how do we accomplish that when the loss is so senseless? Granted, sometimes the victories are small by themselves, and it’s only in the comparison of how we used to be that the miracle is seen. I’m convinced that even the most tragic loss ultimately can be turned into good —if we allow it to be.”

• “The loss through death will always be an amputation, but it does not always have to bleed.”

• “Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross found that the dying work through five basic stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We know that the families of the terminally ill go through these stages too. But after the death, the griever faces additional challenges through numbness, searching, disorientation, and resolution.”

• “Numbness can last from just a few hours to several weeks. Everything seems to move in slow motion, causing the grievers to feel as though they are in a bad dream or walking through a fog. As the numbness begins to fade, the intense grief of this early stage may produce chest pains or feelings of suffocation.”

• “Searching —the next stage —can be an intense time as the grievers come out of the fog and ask, ‘What exactly happened?’ In the early part of this stage, the survivors will want to see the autopsy report or police account. Not only is it normal, but it is healthy. Getting our questions answered, painful though the process may be, gives us some emotional control.”

• “During the searching stage, that awful question ‘Why?’ surfaces. Often it’s accompanied by ‘What else could I have done?’ or ‘Should he have stayed on chemotherapy?’ or ‘Maybe he should have gotten off the chemotherapy.’ Of course this is a painful time for listening to the griever’s questions too. No quick answers exist. After [the famous preacher] Peter Marshall’s funeral, his anguished widow, Catherine, asked her mother why this had happened.Her mother, also a widow, answered quietly, ‘In God’s time, He will give you His answers.’ With hindsight we see that the Lord brought blessing out of the pain as He gave Catherine her special [writing] ministry. Countless people have been comforted by writings that could not have been produced except through her own suffering.”

• “When the survivors are ready to let go of the deceased’s personal items [and everyone comes to this point at different times so don't rush into it if you aren't ready yet], they often wonder which ones they should discard and which ones they should keep. Many counselors divide the items into two categories: linking objects and mementos. Linking objects are personal items, such as toothbrushes, [pillows and such] and should be discarded as quickly as the griever is comfortable with throwing them away. Mementos include family pictures and heirlooms that are an important part of the family’s memories. Mementos should be kept [unless it causes more pain than joy].”

• “Resolution signals the beginning of rejoining life. Joy, and even laughter, returns. …How soon laughter or even quiet grins return to our lives depends on how intense the circumstances were that caused our grief. But a time comes when we must allow the laughter to return —or pull our gloom even tighter around our shoulders. Medically, laughter causes the brain to release chemicals called endorphins, which relieve pain. …When Proverbs 17:22 says ‘A merry heart doeth good like a medicine’ (KJV), it’s true!”

• “FACE THE LOSS. It’s okay to hurt. You aren’t damaging your Christian testimony if you cry. It’s okay to miss someone you love. Remember, even Jesus wept —over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41) and at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). …So if Jesus, the son of God, can cry, it’s okay for me —a frail imperfect human —to cry.”

• “In facing the grief, it helps to remember that some of the dumbest things are gong to get to you. …Talking through even those ‘dumb’ symbols of loss with a trusted friend or a knowledgeable grief counselor can be an important step in acknowledging the hurt. Those who try to ignore looking at their distress —whether because it’s too painful or because they think ‘good’ Christians don’t cry —often battle stress and depression later.”

• “Something healthy happens when we say, ‘This hurts!’ Releasing that pain may be as dramatic as sobbing on the kitchen floor, as intense as crying all evening after the children are in bed, or as quiet as a deep sigh when a young family reminds us of what we’ve lost. Southerners have an expression to describe the intangible longing that occasionally sweeps over us: ‘feeling homesick and lonesome.’ The only immediate cure I’ve found for that pain is the Bible. Every human emotion is recorded there. Immediately Psalm 74:1 comes to mind: ‘Why hast thou cast us off for ever?‘ (KJV). Once we’ve accepted the reality of our situation, we can begin to work through it with the Lord’s help.”

• “For those still hounding themselves with the ‘should-haves,’ they’re dealing with false guilt —the kind the Enemy loves to use against us. One way to release it is to say aloud, “This is false guilt, and it is not from God.’ As you keep talking to God about it, the peace will eventually come.”

• “Believe it or not, we do have the choice of whether we want to be better or bitter because of what we’ve experienced. What if we stopped asking ‘Why me?’ and pondered ‘Why not me?’ Why do we think we’re supposed to get through this life without sorrow? Think of Job’s observation: ‘Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?’ (Job 2:10). Allow that grief to help you become a better person as you learn from it and help others through their pain. We can also help ourselves as we grasp the importance of this moment and this day.”

• “When Jesus said ‘Come unto me,’ He did not add ‘But come without tears.’”

• “We are truly ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14). God knew what He was doing when He gave us tear ducts. In fact, when we’re under stress, crying is a healthy thing for us to do. In fact, when we’re under stress, crying is a healthy thing for us to do. In the early eighties, William H. Frey II, Ph.D., director of the Alzheimer’s Research Laboratories at Ramsey Medical Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, led a team of researchers testing the content of tears. By comparing the tears shed when the subjects peeled onions against the tears shed when those same people watched a sad movie, the researchers discovered noticeable chemical differences.
• “But haven’t we always known that? Think of the times we’ve responded to ‘What’s wrong?’ with ‘Nothing, I just need a good cry.’ If we’re not allowed to cry because of our own or society’s standards, I’m convinced the brain holds the toxins that should be released, thus producing other problems. It’s better if the tears flow now so we can move on later. That’s why the friends who were the greatest comfort to me were the ones who simply put their arms around me and cried too.”

• “Grievers are caught in a time warp; each moment rolls heavily toward us as a reminder that our life has been changed forever.”

• “From my personal and professional experiences I’ve learned some important steps in helping children: ~ Tell the truth right away. ~ Be truthful. ~ Tell only what the child can handle. ~ Encourage children to express feelings. ~ Allow children to attend the funeral. ~ Take the child to the cemetery. ~ Let the child talk. …How many times have we approached the adult at the funeral home and ignored the children standing nearby? It’s important that they, too, be allowed to talk— to explain how their [dad or mom] died or to share a special memory. Not only does that attention acknowledge their place in the family, but it acknowledges their grief as well. … ~ Encourage communication. ~ Be there. ~ Affirm the child’s feelings.”

• “If well-meaning people forget the promises they’ve made to you in the funeral home, try to remember they cannot be all we want them to be —just as we can’t be all they need us to be.”

• “Inappropriate responses can result in greater problems later. As searing as fresh grief is, the recovery still is swifter when we face our loss.”

• “Concentrating on what we have left instead of what we have lost helps ward off depression.”

• “Our children learn how to handle stress by watching the adults in their lives.”

• “Philippians 4:19 was the scripture [my son] ten-year-old Jay was memorizing the day his dad died. The copied verse from the King James Version was on the kitchen counter when I came home from the hospital to tell the children the bad news. The note paper almost seemed to glow, as though the Lord Himself was offering special comfort: ‘But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.’ Many times I tested that promise, even occasionally challenging Him with ‘Even this need, God?’ Gradually I learned that He hadn’t overlooked anything. Amazingly I learned to do many of the things that had belonged to Don’s traditional roll —even changing the oil in the car and balancing the checkbook. But most of all I grew, learning much about myself and even more about my heavenly Father.”

• “TAKE GOOD FROM THE PAST INTO THE FUTURE. Second Corinthians 1:3-4 reads, ‘Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.’ In Genesis 50:20, Joseph says he talks to his brothers in Egypt, years after they had sold him to a caravan, ‘You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’ I am convinced that God can —and will —bring His good out of any situation we give to Him.”

• “Learning to take care of ourselves in the midst of grief can be both a challenge and a new beginning.”

• “Find ways to help others and thus help yourself.”

There is also something that Georgia Shaffer wrote in her book, A Gift of Mourning Glories (which is no longer being published) that would be good to keep in mind when you are tempted to escape your pain in a way that you shouldn’t. Gloria wrote of a woman who understandably struggled in her grief, but in trying to escape it, she almost went in a direction that would have lead to later regrets piled on top of her grief:

“Gwen discovered she had more valuable insights to give others after she’d gone through her own ‘valley of sorrows’ than she had before. ‘When Steve, my beloved husband, died of cancer, I was left with a void the size of the Grand Canyon,’ Gwen said.
“‘Shortly after his death, I enrolled in a class at a community college and met Bob, who wasn’t only good-looking and charming but very attentive toward me. I was surprised by how his attention eased the ache in my heart. No longer grieving, I looked forward with anticipation to each new day. Within one week my new friend and I were sitting together for lunch, lingering behind as the rest of the students filtered back into the classroom, and having private conversations.
“One night after a lengthy phone conversation, Bob came to my home. As we sat on the sofa, he leaned over and kissed me, stirring all the passions within. Not only was my husband gone but for a moment so was the pain. How tempting it was to follow my desires. But God is good at rescuing his people. Bob and I were interrupted by a phone call, which put an end to what could have been a regrettable event.
“‘The next day reality slapped me in the face,’ Gwen recalled. ‘I asked God to forgive me for trying to bury my pain. The ache in my broken heart returned full force, and I was back in the grip of grief where I needed to be. I’ve learned that when we enter into a relationship prematurely, it acts as a temporary pain pill and stops the grieving. Such a shortcut wasn’t only unfair to Bob but it hindered me from fully mourning the loss of my husband.
“Experts say it takes two to five years to adjust to a new normal. It took me that long to gather all the pieces of my shattered heart. Finally I’m at a place where I can give my heart away to someone else. It was well worth the wait.”

And then here is something from the book, Coping with Life after Your Mate Dies:

• “The death of your mate will greatly affect your physical and emotional health. Grieving can cause numerous physical manifestations, such as headaches, dizziness, insomnia, moodiness, and various appetite problems. When reminders of your departed loved one cross your consciousness, anxiety and panic attacks may occur, manifested by irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, trembling hands or feet, among other symptoms. Most physicians agree that there is a direct link between physical health and one’s mental/emotional state. Mental-health authorities have discovered that prolonged and unresolved grief can actually cause physical disabilities that may indirectly become life-threatening.

• “One of the most common complaints of grieving spouses is difficulty in establishing a regular pattern of restful sleep. A professor friend of mine recently witnessed the long and painful death of his 53 year old wife. He found that he awoke several times during the night with “flashbacks” of the wonderful times that he and his wife had enjoyed. On other occasions these sleep disturbances bore reminders of the occasions when his afflicted wife needed him to move her to another location in the bed.
“Other persons we have interviewed complain that they are prone to awaken at a very early hour, such as 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning. One dear lady said she cried herself to sleep each night because she was now sleeping alone for the first time in 37 years.
“There are a number of ways of attempting to cope with these and related problems. First and most importantly, it is helpful to recall certain verses and promises that God Almighty has given us. Always recognize that there are countless conditions and situations, such as your mate’s death, over which you have little, if any, control. Man-made explanations and remedies cannot remove your present grief. No amount of talking on the part of your friends that “you need  to get on with your life” will resolve your problems.
“Unfortunately, too many people (including faithful Christians) utilize the resources found in God’s Word as a last step in helping them in their present need. To help you with your sleep and other physical problems, you can remember special promises that God has given us. For example, read Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 7:7; and John 14:14. Your pastor can suggest many other relevant Scripture passages.”

With that in mind, the following are some scriptures that might help you as you begin this journey:

• The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from evil days ahead. (Isaiah 57:1 LB)

• Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

• God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

• The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. (Psalm 145:18)

• Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you. (Isaiah 41:10)

• Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8)

• Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (Psalm 116:15)

• Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:3-4)

• Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

• Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. (Psalm 31:24)

• Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 62:5-6)

• I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. (Micah 7:7-8)

• You are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:5)

• I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5)

• O Lord, sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. (Psalm 119:116)

• This I call to mind and therefore I have hope; Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. (Lamentations 3:21-22)

• Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

• Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

• Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

• We say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)

• As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. (Psalm 71:14)

• May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

• You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. (Job 11:18)

Another thing you may find helpful: is to go into your Bible and take a journey through the Psalms. Many people I know who have experienced grief have found a lot of solace by reading through the Psalms. There are a lot of verses throughout it, that ministers in a very personal way to those who need a voice to express their hurting hearts and also need verses that will comfort and inspire them. Read, pray through, cry through, write out, and take into your spirit, all that God impresses upon your heart through this journey.
I pray this helps in some way. If any of this gives you a momentary bit of relief, I’m thankful. I pray the Lord brings others to minister to your needs in the ways in which you need.
God Bless,
Cindy Wright
Marriage Missions
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 15:13)
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4)

— ALSO —

There are additional articles that can give you additional insights that are provided below. Please click onto the following web site links to read:

• A CHRISTIAN PRAYER AFTER THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE

• DEALING WITH THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE

• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DIES

•  HOW TO COPE WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR SPOUSE

— ALSO —

For those who have a friend who is a widow, the following article posted on the Crosswalk.com web site might help you in reaching out to her.

• SHOWING LOVE TO WIDOWS

This article was written by Cindy Wright

In Sickness And In Health

Our commitment to Christ and our commitment to each other is to be “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” That’s what we promised each other on our wedding day. The problem is that when we say these vows we most often don’t comprehend that the “worse” and the “sickness” may actually come about and it may stay. It also may get quite ugly and exhausting.
But that isn’t to negate what we promised each other in the first place or what God promises. He promises to always be with us. He promises to give us strength when we’re weak. He promises that we will reap a harvest if we don’t become weary in doing good. (See Galatians 6:9-10.) And even if we never see that harvest this side of heaven—to have Christ say to us “well done good and faithful servant” should be reward enough.
When we stick with our spouse and love him/her through the good and the bad—we need to remember that we’re doing this as “unto the Lord” (see Matthew 25:40). We’re giving a drink of cool water to someone who is thirsty (See Matthew 10:42 and Mark 9:41).
[Editors Note: Below you'll find two separate stories on the subject of loving each other despite sickness in marriage, drawn from the excellent book, For Better, For Worse. They testify of those who have endured times of sickness with their spouse. We pray they'll inspire you and help you!]

Hard Lessons
-by Lenne Kugler-Hunt

Kris became sick about four months after we got married. It was unexpected and disabling and is now in its sixth year. This is not the way I envisioned our marriage. This sort of thing shouldn’t happen to a young man in the prime of his life. And it shouldn’t happen to love. That’s been one of the lessons of his illness—that it was sent by the enemy to steal away Kris’ life and to crush us. It was sent to make love fail.
But a funny thing happened on the way to robbing, killing and destroying —God showed up! I have to admit, I have wished for Him to show up differently from time to time. Of course, my desire is that God would have healed Kris immediately and completely. But He didn’t, perhaps in part because our understanding of healing was so incomplete. The good that God has brought into the situation includes our lessons in perseverance. I learned in a new and fresh way that love involves sacrifice. Kris learned he was worth more than his performance and his ability to work.
I’ve been reminded again and again of the viciousness of the enemy and his commitment to wreaking havoc. But mostly, I’ve been reminded that love, born of God does not fail. It is not weak. Rather, it is purified and strengthened by the fire. Costly though that is, I am grateful for the chance to see love vindicated.

Father, we invite You to shake in us what can be shaken, that what remains would be unshakable. Lord, purify our love. Let it indeed be patient and kind, full of hope and mercy, and a balm for the things that ail us. Amen.

Life Was No Picnic
- by Ginnie Mesibov

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2)

“We’re losing him,” I overhead the cardiologist tell his nurse. My husband was lying on a gurney in the emergency room of the local hospital, suffering from the coronary occlusion. The doctor gave him another dose of a new clot-buster drug. It worked. Harold survived his third heart attack.
Life was no picnic in the early years of our marriage. I was the worst person to be married to someone with a severe chronic illness. Handling sickness was not one of my better skills. It was natural for me to panic and over identify with my husband’s problems. When his heart pounded, my heart thumped so loud I could hear it in my ears. When he had difficulty breathing, I gasped for air.
Every crippling problem he faced crippled me even more. I knew I couldn’t continue like this or I’d be dead long before him—from anxiety alone. I literally had to renew my mind and be transformed With God’s help, I gradually changed my thinking.
I changed how I thought about love. Love doesn’t require me to suffer when Harold is suffering. Love requires me to attend, to take care of and to listen to my husband. Loving objectively allows me to serve him without panic.
I changed how I thought about life. Life is difficult and includes suffering. For some reason, God has allowed severe illness to come into Harold’s life and, therefore, into mine. Accepting illness as a part of life and God’s will reduces the accompanying anxiety.
I changed how I thought about my husband. Harold is alive! This is my focus. Despite his ill health, he’s a vibrant man with an engaging personality who is making a viable contribution to society.
In addition to changing my thinking, I changed my activity: We celebrate! We use any excuse for a party—birthdays, half-birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, good health spurts… Our lives are full.
I also changed how I pray. Now I pray more fervently for my husband’s health—his physical, emotional and spiritual health. I pray more earnestly for mine as well, asking God to fill me with His peace. And He has. God is a God who hears and answers prayer.
I’m not a pro at coping with illness; I’m on a learning journey. But today, because of the changes that I made, I can honestly say that life with my beloved husband is a picnic.

Dear God, Thank You for helping me to renew my mind. It is by Your power that I am being transformed into a woman who can handle adversity and be at peace. May I continue to trust in Your love, knowing that Your will is best for the both of us. Amen.

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The above true-life articles can be found, along with numerous others, in the book, “For Better, For Worse” compiled and edited by Marlene Bagnull, published by Christian Publications, www.christianpublications.com. Unfortunately, this book is no longer being published so you would need to find it in a used book form to read it. What’s so wonderfully unique about this book is that it even has a section dealing with illness within marriage. You don’t find that subject being addressed very often. Part of the reason for this is because of the book’s format. It goes through each part of the wedding vows (“To Have and to Hold, For Better or for Worse, For Richer, or for Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, Forsaking All Others, To Love and to Cherish, Till Death Do Us Part”) and has numerous true stores about real people—who are choosing to live out the vows they made on their wedding days.

Rise and Hope: Nothing to FEAR but FEAR itself. by Maribeth Jorda...

Rise and Hope: Nothing to FEAR but FEAR itself. by Maribeth Jorda...: "As many inspirational videos, movies, quotes and sayings there are, it still remains hard for us to 'get it'. Why? Because our Ego gets in f..."

Nothing to FEAR but FEAR itself. by Maribeth Jordan

As many inspirational videos, movies, quotes and sayings there are, it still remains hard for us to "get it". Why? Because our Ego gets in front of us and says NO, STOP. Do you know what I think an Ego is... FEAR.

Fear masks itself into many forms, some to name a few are; Anger, Guilt, Rage/Violence, Self-Consciousness, Arrogance, Selfishness and Greed. Some people allow fear (aka ego) to dominate their lives. It is easy to see these people when the above mentioned emotions are not present - these are the people who can't take direction, get defensive when constructively criticized and are incapable of keeping promises.. oh, and my personal favorite (to despise) LACK of respect for those around you. Why the lack of respect? Because fear consumes an individual to think soley on oneself and the situation it currently is attacking you with. Your ego in essence is your own personal prison and it's cell mate is fear.

Here are the right keys to overcoming "yourself" (ego, pride). Patients, Generosity and Love. Yes.. Patients to listen without interrupting. Generosity to give - and this entails many things, i.e; time, money, help, kindness and understanding. Finally, to LOVE.

You cannot Love outwardly unless you love inwardly first. To Love yourself means to accept yourself for who you are presently. Forgive and seek forgiveness. Without forgiveness love cannot breathe. When love is present all the right keys will be there to eradicate fear.

Fear is Fear itself - just that... a coward. One way to make a coward run is to stand up to it. Do not allow it to consume your mind. Face the GIANT and prove it wrong by doing/being the very thing it says you cannot. Once you have achieved the very thing it held you down with it doesn't come around for a visit very often.

But what if your ok and someone else is consumed with ego/fear and it's affecting your life? Remember the keys - lead by example. If this is not working then bring forth your concern. Keep going further by adding another person into the mix for guidance (this person should be respectable, a role model for all the keys). Keep going with another individual - remember, a triple braided cord is not easily broken. Why do you think interventions are so successful? Other people can be your "mirror" simply by voicing their concern. Don't be afraid to speak up! Your voice allows for change, that's why we have one.

Lastly, cowardly people need love. The next time your ridiculed, laughed at or have a door slammed in your face don't fight fire with fire - it only fuels it. Use water (love) and put the fire out. Know inside this person is inflicted with fear, ego and possibly pain. Pray for that person and thank GOD you have graduated this course.

Moses - Giver of the Law

Moses stands as the dominant figure of the Old Testament. God chose Moses to lead the Hebrew people out of slavery in Egypt and mediate his covenant with them. Moses handed down the Ten Commandments, then completed his mission by bringing the Israelites to the edge of the Promised Land. Although Moses was inadequate for these monumental tasks, God worked mightily through him, supporting Moses every step of the way.

Moses' Accomplishments:

Moses helped free the Hebrew people from slavery in Egypt, the most powerful nation in the world at that time.
He led this huge mass of unruly refugees through the desert, kept order, and brought them to the border of their future home in Canaan.
Moses received the Ten Commandments from God and delivered them to the people.
Under divine inspiration, he authored the first five books of the Bible, or the Pentateuch: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

Moses' Strengths:

Moses obeyed God's orders despite personal danger and overwhelming odds. God worked tremendous miracles through him.
Moses had great faith in God, even when no one else did. He was on such intimate terms with God that God talked with him regularly.

Moses' Weaknesses:

Moses disobeyed God at Meribah, striking a rock twice with his staff when God had told him just to speak to it to produce water. Because Moses did not trust God in that instance, he was not permitted to enter the Promised Land.

Life Lessons:

God supplies the power when he asks us to do things that seem impossible. Even in everyday life, a heart surrendered to God can be an irresistible tool.
Sometimes we need to delegate. When Moses took his father-in-law's advice and delegated some of his responsibilities to others, things worked much better.
You don't need to be a spiritual giant like Moses to have an intimate relationship with God. Through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, every believer has a personal connection to God the Father.
As hard as we try, we cannot keep the Law perfectly. The Law shows us how sinful we are, but God's plan of salvation was to send his Son Jesus Christ to save us from our sins. The Ten Commandments are a guide for right living, but keeping the Law cannot save us.

Hometown:

Moses was born of Hebrew slaves in Egypt, perhaps in the land of Goshen.

Referenced in the Bible:

Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, 1 Samuel, 1 Kings, 2 Kings, 1 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah, Psalms, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Daniel, Micah, Malachi, Matthew 8:4, 17:3-4, 19:7-8, 22:24, 23:2; Mark 1:44, 7:10, 9:4-5, 10:3-5, 12:19, 12:26; Luke 2:22, 5:14, 9:30-33, 16:29-31, 20:28, 20:37, 24:27, 24:44; John 1:17, 1:45, 3:14, 5:45-46, 6:32, 7:19-23; 8:5, 9:28-29; Acts 3:22, 6:11-14, 7:20-44, 13:39, 15:1-5, 21, 21:21, 26:22, 28:23: Romans 5:14, 9:15, 10:5, 19; 1 Corinthians 9:9, 10:2; 2 Corinthians 3:7-13, 15; 2 Timothy 3:8; Hebrews 3:2-5, 16, 7:14, 8:5, 9:19, 10:28, 11:23-29; Jude 1:9; Revelation 15:3.

Occupation:

Prince of Egypt, shepherd, prophet, lawgiver, covenant mediator, national leader.

Family Tree:

Father: Amram
Mother: Jochebed
Brother: Aaron
Sister: Miriam
Wife: Zipporah
Sons: Gershom, Eliezer

Key Verses:

Exodus 3:10
So now, go, I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt. (NIV)
Exodus 3:14
God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you." (NIV)
Deuteronomy 6:4-6
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. (NIV)

Deuteronomy 34:5-8
And Moses the servant of the LORD died there in Moab, as the LORD had said. He buried him in Moab, in the valley opposite Beth Peor, but to this day no one knows where his grave is. Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone. The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over. (NIV)

Welcome To The Reality Of In-law Relationships

If you’ve never had problems with your in-laws, skip this article. But too often I hear sad stories of relationships that need a fresh touch. Most of the young couples I run into didn’t realize they were marrying the entire family as well as the individual when they took their vows. That was a tough lesson for me to learn. My proper —and affluent —northern in-laws were horrified that their son married someone from the hills of Kentucky, and they were quick to remind me of that background.
One of their favorite topics of conversation expressed concern about all the “hillbillies” moving into their area. Once, on the way to visit an uncle with Don’s parents, we stopped for gasoline next to a family with a dirty car. Don’s mother frowned and said, “Well, would you just look at those hillbillies!”
At the time, my tactics weren’t very effective: I’d usually just offer one of my stern teacher looks and change the subject. After all, a Kentucky saying summed up my challenge: “A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
Over the years, the sniping slowed. I’d like to think that it was my refusal to get into an argument or my consistent dinner invitations (I noticed they didn’t have any trouble eating “that kind of food.) But in reality, I simply developed more self-respect and they backed down.
It did take a while to get to that appoint. I remember one Sunday afternoon early in our marriage when Don’s mother asked, “Well, what little wifey things did you do this week?”
Just a few days before, I had made chocolate chip cookies with lots of pecans. Don had devoured them, saying, “These are my favorites!”
Wanting to show her that I was taking good care of her son, I chirped, “I made his favorite cookies.” She smiled, “Oh, peanut butter.” I shook my head. “No. Chocolate chip.” She sat straighter. I’ve made cookies for him all his life. His favorite kind is peanut butter!” I had the good sense to shut my mouth right then, but you better believe Don heard about that little scene later! Then I asked, “Why did you tell my chocolate chip is your favorite cookie?”
In his typical peacemaking way, he chuckled and said, “Well, chocolate chip is my favorite cookie that you make, and peanut butter is my favorite of the ones my mom makes.”
Even in the short time I’d been married, I’d learned that I wasn’t going to change Don and get him to come around to my way of thinking. So I made two decisions: One, never to mention cookies in front of his mother again. And two, not to expect the worst each time we visited her. After all, if we expect the worst, we’re going to get it.
That was a rather remarkable conclusion for me to reach. After all, I know how to fight; I’m from Harlan County, Kentucky. When I was speaking in Charleston, South Caroline, my host asked his friend, who is also from Kentucky, if he knew anything about my birthplace. His friend nodded. “Oh, yeah, I’ve never met your speaker, but I can tell you this: If she’s from Harlan County, she’s a scrapper!”
And I am. (Can you imagine what I’d be like without the Lord?!) I try not to take undue pride in my feistiness, but I know how to stand my ground. In fact, when I was a high school teacher in the Detroit area, the only time I raised my voice was when I needed to break up a fight. I’d yell my name: “Break it up; it’s Aldrich!” And the students would break it up! I’d grab the two offenders by the arms and march them down to the office. The other students would say, “Boy, you don’t want to mess with her. Did you see how she grabbed those guys?”
But that toughness doesn’t help one bit when it comes to building a relationship. And that’s something Don taught me by his example as he dealt with my folks. Sure, Don’s parents said some rude things, but I have to confess that my own parents weren’t thrilled about welcoming the grinning Scotsman who showed up to “steal” their daughter.
In fact, one afternoon the summer before we were married, my parents were particularly standoffish, and I later asked Don, “How could you be so nice to someone who’s trying to ignore you?” He just grinned and said, “Sandy, I’m going to love them now because they’re your parents. One of these days I’ll love them for themselves—just as they’ll love me. In the meantime, we’re going to get along.”
By the time we’d been married even a short time, Don’s sense of humor and determination to be interested in whatever interested my parents moved him solidly into their hearts. In fact, after Don’s cancer was diagnosed, and we talked about the possibility that he might die, he said he wanted to be buried in my family’s plot. “Your mother helped fill the void my mom’s death left,” he told me, “and she’s going to have a rough time when all this is over. Just don’t let her spend a lot of time at the cemetery. I won’t be there, anyway; I’ll be with the Lord.” To this day, they still miss him—just as I do.
It’s amazing what a different perspective can offer when it comes to in-laws. Mama Farley loved telling about the mother who was asked about her son’s new wife: “Oh, she’s so lazy. She expects my son to help her with the dishes and to baby-sit and go grocery shopping with her. I just don’t know how long he can keep that pace up.”
The visitor shook her head. “Oh, she has the most wonderful husband! He helps her with the dishes, and he’s happy to baby-sit and goes grocery shopping with her. He is just wonderful. She’s fortunate to have gotten such a good man.”
Here are a few reminders to help you build the relationship you want with your in-laws:
• Refuse to argue. Here’s where we have to look to the Lord as our example. Remember, he won people—not arguments.
Again, Don provided a godly example for me as he refused to get upset when one of my relatives would tell him how he ought to do something. Don wouldn’t argue; he’d just smile and say something such as “Hey, thanks! I appreciate your interest” or “I’ll think about that. Thanks.” Of course, I teased him that he went ahead and did what he wanted anyway, but he’d remind me that it takes two people to have an argument.
One of Don’s major roles within both families was to be the peacemaker. And if he couldn’t win over the opposing parties with logic, he’d try emotion: “Hey, life’s too short to argue,” he’d say. “Let’s figure out a way to solve this.”
His peacemaking skills have been greatly missed. In fact, the last Aldrich dinner I hosted before Jay, Holly, and I moved to New York was a stark reminder of the void he had left as two of the relatives got into a shouting match and wound up leaving early. I wasn’t much help. All I could do was cry as I asked each of them not to go. If Don had been there, the argument wouldn’t have progressed to that point. Never had he allowed anyone to leave our home angry.
• Keep praying. What if every day we included the Lord in our relationships with our in-laws? What if we began the morning by saying, “Lord, this day is yours. I am yours. Help me act like it.”
The Lord already knows we’re upset over some of the statements folks make, so we might as well talk to him about them. Remember 1 Samuel 17 when David faced Goliath? In verse 47 he said, “It is [the Lord’s] battle, not ours.” But often we forget that and try to make every battle our own.
• Guard your mouth. Remember; you never have to ask forgiveness for those sharp things you don’t say. Consider 1 Kings 19. Elijah was depressed. He’d just come out of a major spiritual victory but was mentally exhausted and physically tired and hungry, so he overreacted and thought he was the only one still fighting the Lord’s battles. Look at how he was ministered to —the angel gave him healthy food and water and ordered him to sleep. Only then was he ready to hear instructions about the next step.
•Schedule time with your in-laws. Don and I lived halfway between both sets of parents, so it was rare that any of them showed up unexpectedly. But we’d already decided that we needed to keep in touch on a regular basis so they wouldn’t be demanding. (Neither one of us did well with the “you never call; you never write” routine.) And it worked! Since they knew we’d either be at their house every other Sunday or have them to ours, they didn’t pressure us. If your in-laws live in the same city, you may have to set some loving boundaries early.
• Don’t go looking for trouble. Remember, if you expect the worst, you’ll get the worst. Let some things roll off your back. When Marlene and Kirk were moving into a larger apartment, her father supposedly came to help. Instead he scolded her in front of the movers because the bed frame was dusty. Marlene stammered an excuse about letting it go during the moving process but said that she had planned to polish all the furniture when it was set up in their new home.
Meanwhile, her husband was furious that the father was scolding a grown daughter. But what could have been a bad situation was turned into merely an irritation because they dared to be strong enough to shrug it off. It was a one-time occurrence. But if this had been the father’s habit, it would have been appropriate for Kirk to quietly take him aside and remind him that Marlene was a grown woman and that her actions were no longer a reflection on him.
Remember, Jesus has promised us his power, his peace, his purpose, his presence—and trouble. But even as he promises us trouble, he promises to be with us: “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
• Release your mate from having to choose between his mother and his wife. One of my cousins turned every visit with her in-laws into a crisis. All the way home, she’d analyze aloud every word and every look her in-laws had given her that day, much to the exhaustion of her husband. He always felt she was putting him in the middle of the nonexistent argument —hardly the basis for tender feelings. Women especially need to be careful about this.
• Get a proper perspective. Our view of any situation will color the way we see it. I remember a Reader’s Digest account from years ago of a tourist in a southern state who was driving in the country when he saw a man sitting in a wooden, straight-back chair, from which he would bend over to pull weeds. The driver chuckled, shaking his head, convinced that the stereotypical image of the lazy southerner was true. He turned the corner then and glanced back to laugh again at the gardener. Only from that angle did he notice the crutches propped against the chair. The man wasn’t lazy after all but a determined survivor. What a difference a new angle gives us.
What if we looked at the situation from the in-law’s view? Pamela said that the day her little boy developed a crush on his first-grade teacher she understood how her mother-in-law must feel that some other woman replaced her in her son’s heart. That new perspective strengthened the relationship between the two women.
• Find those things you can sincerely praise. Remember that criticism destroys while encouragement builds. Phyllis decided to handle her critical mother-in-law’s visits with grace, so she set out each time to find at least two things she could sincerely compliment. One morning, she gave the older woman an impromptu hug and said, “You’ve raised an incredible son. Thanks!” To her amazement, the verbal sniping slowed down after that.
• Be honest with yourself. In family situations, there’s what counselors call the presenting problem and then the real problem. The presenting problem is what appears to be the barrier, while the real problem is something more foundational.
I remember a letter to one of the advice columnists from a mother-in-law. She said, “My daughter-in-law takes good care of my son and grandchildren, but I can’t stand it that she doesn’t rinse the soap out of the dishcloth and hang it up to dry. She just throws it into a corner of the sink and leaves it. How can I get her to stop this?”
I like the columnist’s answer” The one thing she does wrong is leave the dishcloth in the sink? What’s your real beef?”
If you’re always complaining about some relatively unimportant but irritating habit of your in-laws, ask yourself what the real problem is.
• Offer an unexpected gift. Take this advice and run with it! On Don’s thirtieth birthday, I sent his mother thirty sweetheart roses with a little note and said, “I’m so glad you had a baby boy thirty years ago today. After that, she always introduced me as “my daughter-in-law, the one who sent me the roses.” Every one of her friends had already heard about my creative gift!
• Honor your in-laws. Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God will give you.”
Honoring does not mean letting them order you around, pry into your personal finances, tell your kids to get haircuts, or rearrange your cabinets each time they visit. It means honoring their position. Once the child becomes an adult, it’s important that a new relationship be built —more “friend to friend” than “Parent to child.” Our goal is mutual respect and friendship.
• Remember that you are the parent. After Karen became a widow, her father-in-law complained about her keeping the two children in a Christian school and, as he said, “shielding them from the real world.”
It crossed her mind to tell him to back off, but instead, like Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:15 —when the priest Eli accused her of being drunk —she quietly answered the charges.
“I know you’re concerned as a loving grandfather,” she said. “But I’m the one who must stand before God and give an account of how my children have been raised. For now I’m convinced that it’s best they remain where they are.”
• Visit other relatives together. I really give Don credit here. One Thanksgiving, he agreed to take a trip to visit my relatives in Kentucky but insisted that we take my parents with us. What a fun time that proved to be. My dad rode shotgun and told stories all along the route. Near Corbin, Kentucky, he pointed out the spot where, as a 23-year-old army sergeant, he’d been hitchhiking home in late 1944. He’d been let off from one ride and meandered toward a shady tree to wait for the next car to take him closer to Harlan where my mother was living with her parents, my beloved Papa and Mama Farley.
As he approached the tree, he saw that a sailor was already waiting. That pleased Dad; he would have someone to talk to until they got rides. Of course, since the other man had been under the tree first, the unspoken code was that he would accept the first ride.
But as my dad got closer to the sailor, he recognized his own brother-in-law, Hurlen Farley, who was on leave too! Dad gave a whoop of recognition and ran to clasp Uncle Hurlen’s hand. They thumped each other on the back and marveled at the chances of meeting like that. Uncle Hurlen wouldn’t accept a ride without my dad, and they went on into Harlan together to provide a double surprise for the family.
• Keep the family ties strong. After Don died, his dad—who had remarried within 6 months after his first wife died—wasn’t sure what to do with me. The first time he had to call, the man I had called Dad for more than 16 years identified himself as Bill. I wasn’t about to get tossed aside that quickly, so I quickly responded, “Dad! How good of you to call!”
He still had other struggles, though. Because of his own harsh upbringing, he had trouble verbally expressing love for those around him, even his own sons and grandchildren. I remember when the kiddos and I were back from New York for a visit. Before we left, I suggested we hold hands and pray. After my amen, I hugged Don’s dad and said, “I love you, Dad. I truly do.” He didn’t answer.
Then Jay and Holly hugged him, both saying, “I love you, Grandpa.” But they received only silence, too. I was stunned. But I let the silence roll on, and we three got into our car and headed home to New York, I made sure that Jay and Holly understood that their grandpa’s lack of response wasn’t their fault but something in his own background that kept him from saying the words. Then with a feisty set of my jaw, I took on the challenge, determined not only to do the right thing but to have fun seeing how soon I could get those words out of him.
I called him every Saturday to give him a quick report of our life in New York and have him talk to the kids. Gradually, I got more than silence out of him as I’d sign off with my quick “I love you Dad.” Sometimes I’d hear “That’s nice” and once —miracle of miracles —he even muttered, “Me, too” as he hung up. I sat there grinning long after the line was dead!”
But the real gift came when we called him on Christmas Eve, 1988. I signed off with my usual, “I love you” and to my great surprise, he answered, “I love you, too” as he hung up. Jay and Holly raced me from their extensions in the bedroom and basement. “Mom! He said it! He finally said it!” And the three of us celebrated with a big family hug.
THE BEST EXAMPLEMother-in-law jokes often present the difficult relationship between a mother-in-law and her son-in-law. But family experts report that in reality the most difficult relationship is the one between the mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law.
The book of Ruth presents the most incredible relationship between two women who were thrust together this way. Both were widowed, and the mother-in-law, Naomi, decided that she would return to her own hometown of Bethlehem in Judah.
Her two widowed daughters-in-law set out with her, but when they got to the border, Naomi tried to send them back, saying she had nothing to offer them. Orpah turned back, but Ruth stayed, saying the words that would become a popular declaration in wedding ceremonies during the 1970s: “I will go wherever you go and live wherever you live. Your people will be my people, and your god will be my God. I will die where you die and you will be buried there. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!” (Ruth 1:17-17).
Think about that! Those loving words were spoken from a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law! And you remember the incredible story of how Naomi taught Ruth the customs of her new culture and, in fact, encouraged her courtship with one of Naomi’s distant relatives. Because of that good relationship, both women benefited —Naomi regained her family land, enjoyed security and the love of a precious grandson born to the new marriage, and Ruth gained a place in our Lord’s lineage.
Most of us can take a lesson from that account, especially when we’re tempted to give in to the frustration of working on a relationship with difficult folks. (Of course, we’re never difficult ourselves, are we?) One final comment —remember the old saying that reminds us to guard our tongues: “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
The above article came from the book, came from the book,“MEN READ NEWSPAPERS, NOT MINDS … and other things I wish I’d known when I first married,” written by Sandra Aldrich, published by Tyndale House Publishers.

Why Should I Be the One to Change?

Why Should I Be the One to Change? You’re really mad at your partner. You’ve explained your point of view a million times. S/he never listens. You can’t believe that a person can be so insensitive. So, you wait. You’re convinced that eventually s/he will have to see the light that you’re right and s/he’s wrong.
In the meantime, there’s silence. But the tension’s so thick in your house; you can cut it with a knife. You hate the distance, but there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re mad. You’re really mad.
You try to make yourself feel better by getting involved in other things. Sometimes this even works. But you wake up every morning facing the fact that nothing has changed at all. A feeling of dissatisfaction permeates everything you do. From time to time, you ask yourself, “Is there something I should do differently?” But you quickly dismiss this thought because you know that, in your heart of hearts, you’re not the one to blame. So the distance between you and your partner persists.
Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and your partner been so angry at each other that you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house? If so, I have few things I want to tell you.
You’re wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and soul. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit.
It’s awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!
I’ve worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner’s wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, “I’ll change if s/he changes,” a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.
There are many variations of this position. For example, “I’d be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or “I’d be more physically affectionate if he were more communicative with me,” or “I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.” You get the picture! “I’ll be different if you start being different first.” Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.
There’s a much better way to view things when you and your partner get stuck like this. I’ve been working with couples for years and I’ve learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It really doesn’t matter who starts first. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.
I worked with a woman who was very distressed about her husband’s long hours at work. She felt they spent very little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined.
The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment in walked in the door. Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absences that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s end.
I told her that I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I’d feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. “He probably wishes he didn’t have to come home,” she said. “Precisely,” I thought to myself, and I knew she was ready to switch gears.
I suggested that she try an experiment. “Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain; just tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something kind or thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long time, even if you don’t feel like it.”
“You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” I told her, and we discussed other things she might do as well. She agreed to give it a try.
Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her “experiment.” “That first night after I talked with you I met him at the door and, without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made him his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic, so he smelled the aroma the moment he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased. We had a great evening together, the first in months. I was so pleased and surprised by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’
Since then things between us have been so much better, it’s amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him. I’m so much happier this way.”
The moral of this story’s obvious: When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation?
Why not be more pragmatic? If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results.
Look, life is short. Make your relationship the best it can possibly be. Stop waiting for your partner to change in order for things to be better. When you decide to change first, it will be the beginning of a solution avalanche. Try it… you’ll like it!
The above article was written by Michele Weiner-Davis and is one of several articles (and other resources) you can find on her web site at www.divorcebusting.com. Although this isn’t designed to be a Christian Web site it does have a lot of great information that lines up biblically (that’s why we recommend her resources). You can find other articles like this one by clicking HERE.
Michele Weiner-Davis is an author of several books. She also maintains a private practice in both Woodstock, Illinois called The Divorce Busting® Center and also has an office in Boulder, Colorado. Michele counsels couples and families from all over the world. But perhaps her greatest credential for being a relationship expert stems from the fact that she and her husband have been married for nearly twenty-eight years and she’s still madly in love with him. She claims that on most days, he would say the same about her.

Last Will And Testament

In the pocket of an old ragged coat belonging to an elderly man in Chicago, there was found, after his death, a will. According to Barbara Boyd, in the Washington Law Reporter, the man had been a lawyer, and the will was written in a firm clear hand on a few scraps of paper. So unusual was it, that it was sent to another attorney; and so impressed was he with its contents, that he read it before the Chicago Bar Association and a resolution was passed ordering it probated. It is now on the records of Cook County Illinois.

I, Charles Lounsberry, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, do hereby make and publish this my Last Will and Testament, in order, as justly as may be, to distribute my interests in the world among succeeding men.

That part of my interests which is known in law and recognized in the sheep-bound volumes as my property, being inconsiderable and of no account, I make no disposition of in this, my Will. My right to live, being but a life estate, is not at my disposal, but, these things excepted, all else in the world I now proceed to devise and bequeath.

ITEM: I give to good fathers and mothers, in trust to their children, all good little words of praise and encouragement, and all quaint pet names and endearments; and I charge said parents to use them justly, but generously, as the deeds of their children shall require.

ITEM: I leave to children inclusively, but only for the term of their childhood, all, and every, the flowers of the field, and the blossoms of the woods, with the right to play among them freely according to the custom of children, warning them at the same time against the thistles and the thorns. And I devise to the children the banks of the brooks and the golden sands beneath the waters thereof, and the odors of the willows that dip therein, and the white clouds that float high over the giant trees.

And I leave the children the long, long days to be merry in a thousand ways, and the night and the moon and the train of the Milky Way to wonder at, but subject, nevertheless, to the rights hereinafter given to lovers.

ITEM: I devise to boys jointly all the idle fields and commons where ball may be played, all pleasant waters where one may swim, all snow-clad hills where one may coast, and all streams and ponds where one may fish, or where, when grim winter comes, one may skate, to have and to hold the same for the period of their boyhood. And all meadows, with the clover-blossoms and butterflies thereof; the woods with their appurtenances; the squirrels and birds and echoes and strange noises, and all distant places, which may be visited, together with the adventures there to be found. And I give to said boys, each his own place at the fireside at night, with all pictures that may be seen in the burning wood, to enjoy without hindrance and without any incumbrance of care.

ITEM: To lovers, I devise their imaginary world, with whatever they may need, as the stars of the sky, the red roses by the wall, the bloom of the hawthorn, the sweet strains of music, and anything else they may desire to figure to each other the lastingness and beauty of their love.

ITEM: To young men jointly, I devise and bequeath all boisterous inspiring sports of rivalry, and I give to them the disdain of weakness and undaunted confidence in their own strength. Though they are rude, I leave them to the powers to make lasting friendships, and of possessing companions, and to them exclusively I give all merry songs and brave choruses to sing with lusty voices.

ITEM: And to those who are no longer children, or youths, or lovers, I leave memory, and bequeath to them the volumes of the poems of Burns and Shakespeare, and of other poets, if there be any, to the end that they may live the old days over again, freely and fully without tithe or diminution.

ITEM: To the loved ones with snowy crowns, I bequeath the happiness of old age, the love and gratitude of their children until they fall asleep.