Tuesday, January 31, 2012

FOR PARENTS: Becoming An In-Law

What would you do if your adult child had a marital problem and shared his heart? How would you get involved—if at all? Betsy [after her son Jake had shared some serious problems that he was having with his wife] wanted to take Jake in her arms and tell him that everything was going to be all right. She wanted to kiss his knee, like she did when he was eight, and assure him that the pain would go away.
But he wasn’t eight anymore and this pain wasn’t a skinned knee. She knew that she couldn’t solve his marital problems, but she did have a perspective she decided to share with him.
“Jake, I appreciate your telling me this. I know it is serious and is causing you a lot of pain. I also know that in the first year of marriage, many couples have similar problems. Those who make it deal with their problems in a realistic way. The couples who don’t make it are the ones who sweep their problems under the rug, trying to act as if they don’t exist. In reality, the problems just get larger.
“Sharing this with me is a first step. Now I want to encourage you to take a second. I’m not the one to give you marriage counseling, but that’s what you and Jenny need. There is a counselor on our church staff; and I also know two good ones downtown. If money is a problem, Dad and I will be willing to take care of the expense. The important thing is that both of you talk to someone with skills in helping couples work through such difficulties. Don’t let it go on or it will just get worse.”
Jake replied, “I don’t know if she will go for counseling. She would be horrified if she knew I was talking to you about this.”
“Then perhaps you can tell her that you are going for counseling because you must have some help in dealing with your own struggle,” his mother answered, “and that you would like her to go with you. She may go because she wants the counselor to hear her side of the story. But, if she doesn’t, you go alone. At least you will get the process started and she may join you later. Your problem isn’t going to go away by itself, and you need someone to help you work through it.”
Jake agreed, and when he drove home, he felt better than when he came. At least he knew the first step to take.
Jenny was reluctant, but she did go with Jake to the counselor, and in the months that followed they both learned a great deal about how to meet each other’s needs and build an authentic marriage. During the counseling he realized he was failing to meet Jenny’s emotional need for love. She desired quality time with him, but his job was so demanding that she often spent her evenings alone. She had finally decided that she might as well be with her mother as to stay home by herself.
During months of counseling, they came to understand each other better and made some significant changes. Jenny began to respond differently to her parents’ requests, particularly when she and Jake had already made plans. Jake learned how to meet Jenny’s need for love and to make more time for her. They have now been married five years and have a mutually fulfilling relationship.
A NEW TITLE, A NEW RELATIONSHIP: When your child marries, the relationship you have had is bound to change, as you move to embrace his or her spouse. These extended connections can bring you great happiness, or they can rain on your parade. The outcome is partly determined by your response to them.
After your child decides to marry, you acquire a new title: in-law. Not only do you have a son- or daughter-in-law who directly influences your child, but you also become related to people who will indirectly influence your adult child as they continue to influence their own married child. In addition, you may soon have another title: grandparent, and you will share your grandchildren with your son- or daughter-in-law’s parents. And, if your son or daughter chooses to marry someone who already has children, you become instant grandparents.
BETSY’S WISE ADVICE: Thus your response to these new relationships can bring you happiness or heartache, joy or jealousy. Jake’s mother was extremely wise in her responses to Jake’s complaint about Jenny. In her counsel we can find several positive principles on how we parents can respond to the marital difficulties experienced by many young adults.
First, she took the problem seriously. She didn’t brush it off by saying, “Oh, it can’t be that bad. You’re just overreacting. Take her out to dinner and she’ll be all right.” She didn’t say, “Why don’t you just talk to Jenny about this? I’m sure if she realized what you’re feeling, she would change.” Nor did she suggest, “Just give her some time and be patient. I’m sure it will all work out.” The fact is that marital problems don’t “just work out.” Our high divorce statistics are stark reminders that problems unattended get worse. As concerned parents, we should respond to signs of marital problems.
Second, she didn’t take sides. You can become involved without saying one spouse (usually your child) is right and the other is wrong. You don’t have all the facts, and to take sides could alienate the other spouse. Note that Betsy didn’t tell Jake that it was his fault, nor did she blame Jenny. Instead, she remained neutral. Seldom can the responsibility for marital conflict be laid at the feet of one partner; generally, both husband and wife have done and said things to compound the problem. Both need insight into the dynamics of their relationship and then need to learn to take corrective steps in creating a different climate in which their conflicts can be resolved. When parents take sides, they only add to the problems.
Third, she waited until Jake come to her for advice. As a parent, don’t offer advice until you’re asked. Be willing to give counsel, but wait until such counsel is requested. Betsy might have rushed in with suggestions after she first sensed something was wrong. However, had she offered advice then, Jake might have become defensive and then not turned to her later for help. The best guideline is to wait until your married children ask for help. At that point, they are more likely to follow your suggestions.
Fourth, she offered a course of action that was specific and doable. As parents, we can give recommendations, but we should be specific. Depending on the situation, you may recommend professional counseling, seeing a financial planner, or setting up a budget. Betsy recommended counseling; she also removed the possible hurdle of finances by offering to help. While she didn’t force Jake to take action, she told him why she believed it would be wise.
Significantly, Betsy talked with her husband about her conversation with Jake. The two determined that their relationship with the young couple would continue just as it had been. No questions, no blame, no changed attitudes toward Jenny or her parents. Wise parents do not seek to solve the problems of their married children. They are there to make loving suggestions if these are asked for, but they don’t impose themselves on their children’s lives. They give their children space to build their own lives. They allow them the freedom to say no to invitations or requests that conflict with their plans or wishes. They relate to their children in ways that will foster their growth as individuals and as a couple.
As a parent and an in-law, your goal should be to support your child and his or her mate. Welcome your son- or daughter-in-law into the family with open arms. when asked, give advice. You’ll always remain a parent; become a friend.


The above article can be found in an expanded version in the book, Parenting Your Adult Child: How You Can Help Them Achieve Their Full Potential by Dr Ross Campbell and Dr Gary Chapman, published by Northfield Publishing. This book helps parents of grown children today face issues unforeseen by previous generations: “nests” that don’t empty, conflicts over lifestyle issues, the need for continued financial support. This can be an invaluable resource for parents of young adults ages 18 to 35, as well as those with older adult children and even grandchildren.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Acceptance is the first step to change

There comes a time in life where there is nothing more you can do. You may not have always done the right things but in certain situations you have come to an end. You need to let matters go and just accept that it is done. Accepting is the only attitude we have that allows us to move forward. You are not responsible for others actions - only your own.

 It is good for you to care what others think but when it comes to someone who can care less about you then what does it matter what they think? Too much time and thought is spent on matters that don't matter. Keep your nose to the ground and focus on yourself and those closest to you - that is our responsibility. Nobody else is going to "make it" for you but you and people will always let you down - never become dependant upon another person or persons. If you are dependant upon another person you are in your own personal prison.

Find yourself and be yourself - not what you think others want you to be but who you are. You will never please everyone and everyone is not going to like you - so what. We are all different and have taken different roads in life. Stop blaming other people. Take the blame yourself - you are where your at right now because of the choices you have made. Remember, acceptance is the first step to change.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Power Of A Praying Wife

I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?
Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?
The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.
If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Instead say:
“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.
If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”
If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.
If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves—can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.
There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible. and it ‘s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.
Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.

The above article came from the book, The Power of a Praying® Wife, by Stormie Omartian.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sharing builds trust... by Maribeth Jordan

I once had a raccoon come up to the bird feeder at night and eat what dropped on the ground... Every night like clockwork she would be there. I started to throw some food out for her - she would watch me, hesitate and then sneak to go eat it. Soon it became a habit for her to come sit by the bird feeder and wait for me to throw some food. This continued on for about a month....  one night I was so engrossed in a movie I forgot about her.... well she didn't forget about me because to my surprise she was at the glass door standing on her hind legs peering in through the window to see if I was there....:) It got to the point where I could go outside and she would stand right by my feet and take food from my hand.

One night it stopped - no raccoon.  Over the next couple of nights it was the same thing....nights turned into weeks and before I knew it a month had passed and she was simply gone. I couldn't imagine what had happened to her. It was sad and I felt like I had lost a little friend.

One evening my husband and I were grilling steaks out on the back patio and coming up from the back hill was the raccoon and five little ones following her! I was so excited I ran in the house and grabbed a box of peanut butter Captain Crunch to give her and her little ones. Needless to say they loved the cereal and were so excited they were running all around our feet and trying to come into the house form the sliding glass door... they were eating out of our hands and the mama was just sitting back watching this all happen.

There is a point to this story... it is amazing what time in building trust can do. This scared female raccoon who once snook up to the feeder was now bringing her babies for us to feed! I think as humans we think to much.... we let our emotions get in the way of peace, joy and happiness. We want it NOW... sometimes in life it takes time for things to change - circumstances, feelings, trust and so forth. We can learn alot from this raccoon. She proceeded with caution and the good was building in time. With time she got closer and closer.... I kept on feeding her and she kept coming back because it was good for her. We can compare this to how we treat other people. If we have burnt a bridge we can build that bridge back by doing small things that would build trust... being persistent like the raccoon or being faithful to give like me... whether your situation is the "raccoon" or "me"( the persister or the giver) it does take effort and willingness... each one has to be faithful in their part not worrying about the other.... if you know you have been doing/acting right then just wait... lots of little surprises may be just around the corner for you to!

Remember this... sharing builds trust.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Starving for... by Maribeth Jordan

I know this picture is disturbing but it is supposed to be... it shows just how selfish and blind we have become to those in need. If this picture doesn't bother you then I would say your heart has turned cold. The sad part about this message is most will read it, feel bad but do little or nothing to change it because it's "not my problem". Let me say one thing here - we are called to love one another no matter where they are.

I did something yesterday that I was very ashamed of. While driving out of a parking lot I saw a homeless man with a large sack over his back trying to get the attention of a few drivers heading out towards the main road - I was one of those drivers and kept on driving. The excuses started pouring into my mind justifying my actions... "he looked bad, unhealthy, what if he was unsafe" and "I am on a tight schedule today I didn't have time". SO WHAT -would it have hurt for me to stop, roll down my window and see what he wanted? I then knew my selfishness failed a test from God and I immediately asked for forgiveness and began to pray for this man - that was the very least I could do and perhaps the best.

I understand not everyone can financially give to help those less fortunate but we all have the ability to pray for others. Pray prompts the Lord into action... you may not see the action but his promise is to answer prayer. Seek and ye shall find (that's a decision) knock and the door will be opened (that's an action). We have to decide first and then take action.

The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year a "good" Beginning... by Maribeth Jordan

January 1 a New Year? Why not May, October or December? Because that's just the way it is and has always been... I overheard this conversation between an adult and a child. Well I'm sure you can guess which one asked the question. A good question it was and a weak response at best. The child brings up a good point - why not any other time for a "New" year. New beginning's are everyday you open your eyes and take another breath. Your thoughts then actions determine your beginnings and ends. Every day your gifted is another chance to choose.

Instead of a wishing you a Happy New Year I thought I would share some wise direction from Proverbs...
There are six things which the Lord hates,
Yes, seven which are an abomination to Him:
Haughty eyes, a lying tongue,
And hands that shed innocent blood,
A heart that devises wicked plans,
Feet that run rapidly to evil,
A false witness who utters lies,
And one who spreads strife among brothers.

These words are said to be a guide for us. If we don't do any of these things how would our life be? GOOD! No good can come from bad behavior and no bad can come from good behavior. If you want something good in your life you have to be good in the first place.

So would it now be appropriate to wish you all a GOOD New Year instead of a Happy one? Yes I think so because with the good you will be happy.

Have a "good" New Year my friends...

Maribeth