Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It's not what to seek, it's who...

Which is better - Prosperity or Peace? The majority of the population chose prosperity.... no surprise. Why do we live in a society that constantly seeks "things" and beauty? I guess another question would be which is better - Inner Beauty or Outer Beauty?

I will keep this brief... when you die you take NOTHING with you... when you age you lose most of your physical beauty. To seek after the inevitable is living an unsettled life, throwing your peace out the window. I'm not saying it's bad to be prosperous, in fact it's a blessing (a gift) and very few know how to use it. For most, it's destructive in one form or another... when we have everything we seek nothing. When we seek nothing we stop growing/learning. Did I contradict myself? I'm sure your thinking we seek to prosper and then to find peace... not at all. When we seek to prosper WE fail eventually. We seek in the wrong areas. We must first seek the LORD and HE will make your ways prosperous. The ways of the Lord are peace in ALL things.

 John 14:27
New International Version (NIV)
27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 16:33
New International Version (NIV)
   33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Proverbs 17:1
New International Version (NIV)
 1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
   than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Galatians 5:22
New International Version (NIV)
 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Monday, June 27, 2011

Don't Waste Time by Judging Others - it's NOT your job... by Maribeth Jordan

How many times have you been judged for someone else's actions? You know, from a close friend or family member pointing the finger at you because someone close to you chose to do wrong. Judgement from another human being is NOT valid. Judgements are usually biased, made without all facts, and a simple case of fear and insecurity. The old statement holds true... walk a mile in my shoes....

When we overlook the "offender of action" and blame someone close to him/her we are not only excusing their behavior but enabling them to continue by inadvertently blaming another for their actions. Why do people do this? Usually because the offender is weak and does not exhibit the strength to change OR because the "judge" in this case is to weak to confront and it is much easier to blame... a couple more are - jealousy and just plain ignorance!

Most people in this situation find themselves segregated from friends or family... let me say this - If that is your situation then don't fight it. If your not worthy to be around certain people because of someone else's judgements then that is NOT time you want to spend anyway. That is their problem and if they don't think so it's because they are not mature. Maturity is LOVE and ACCEPTANCE and if that isn't being exhibited in your case then consider yourself fortunate that you don't have to spend valued time with someone immature.

Lastly, we can all learn from another... nobody is above reproach. When people make mistakes whether it being the individual themselves or a close friend or family member to the "offender" don't make hasty decisions, don't cast them out, DON'T JUDGE! These people can become someone great whether you think so or not no matter how old, uneducated, poor, mean, etc... example:

Moses was 80 and a murderer before GOD used him and he became a great leader of people. Noah drank to much. Peter denied the LORD three times. Paul was a murderer of Christians before GOD used him. David was an adulterer. Jonah was rebellious and ran from GOD... the list goes on.... these men were all GREAT men of the LORD that he used for GREAT things!

My point, Anybody can be used for great things and it starts with LOVE and ACCEPTANCE after forgiveness (if need be). Even the bum on the street, the drug addict or prostitute can teach us something - possibly different for each person but something. It's the person who claims to have it all together who is LOST. It's the person who can't love unconditionally who is LOST. I just heard a wonderful sermon that had these words in it -
" How can you ever learn unconditional love if the person meets all of the conditions"

Sunday, June 26, 2011

When Your Spouse is Depressed and What to Do

On your wedding day you never imagine that depression could cloud your lives to the degree that it can. Not only does it take your depressed spouse hostage and change how they conduct their lives and how they interact with you, it can also confuse and frustrate you. You want to help but you don’t know how to do it without making matters worse.
You may be able to relate to what author Cheri Fuller said about her experience in trying to help her depressed husband. She writes:
“I tried everything I could think of to cheer him up. I pointed out all the positive things he did, such as being a great dad or helping other people. I encouraged Holmes to look ahead to a family trip we’d planned, but that didn’t help, either. As the months rolled into years, neither my encouraging words nor my hard work to take up the slack in our income seemed to make a difference.” (From the article, “When Your Husband Struggles with Depression” —to read more use the Kyria.com link provided.)
One husband, as quoted by Carolyn MacInnes, admitted that his concern for his depressed wife turned into frustration,
“I’d ask again and again what was wrong, but she never had an answer. Not only was I aggravated by my feelings of helplessness, I was angry the life I’d worked so hard to provide wasn’t enough to make her happy.”
His wife added,
“And the more angry he got, the more he’d withdraw from me. Then I’d feel guilty and withdraw even more. We just kept drifting further apart.” (From the Focus on the Family article, “When Your Spouse is Depressed” —to read more, please use the link provided, to read this article and others they have posted on the subject.)
Can you relate to this wife and/or this husband and what they’ve lived through with their depressed spouse? It’s understandable why some couples “drift apart” because depression effects both of your ways in so many ways. It drags you both down and changes things on so many levels.
You may even find it difficult to understand how someone who is “godly” can also struggle with depression. But as Dr Roger Barrier explains:
“Even the godly can be depressed. There is no contradiction between being a person of great faith and a person of great despair at the same time. We often think that great people and grand accomplishments have grand beginnings. Great accomplishments and great lives often are birthed in sorrow. Those who have plumbed the depths of their own inadequacies are the ones God invariably calls to shepherd others. Why?”
To learn more, please click onto the “Preach It, Teach It” web site link to read the following (plus other related articles on the subject):
And to learn even more helpful information on depression, the former publication, “New Man Magazine,” featured an article that explains some of the causes, along with some tips to “beat depression.” Please click onto the link below to read:
In addition, I found one more short article that may give you a tip in dealing with depression in your marriage. It’s found on the web site “Madly in Love Forever.” Please click onto the link below to read:

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wayne and Sissy...

Last night my husband and I went to dinner over an elderly couples home from our church. You know what I like best about spending time with people that are older.... they usually have great wisdom.

We shared a nice southern meal - fried chicken, pinto beans, corn bread and slaw. Afterwards we sat on the front porch to watch the thunderstorm. Let me tell you a little something about Wayne and Sissy...

Wayne and Sissy have been married for 54 years. They are from Kentucky and grew up on a farm. They raised four boys and have many grandchildren today which are the apple of their eye. Wayne was a professor and is a talented music director and bible teacher in our church. You can spend one hour with Wayne and I guarantee you will know something you didn't know before. He loves to tell stories and he is a true teacher at heart. Sissy is his true love and support but still to this day complains she doesn't get to spend enough time with him! They are just plain good people!

The reason why I told you a little something about these two is because it just takes a little kindness and a little hospitality to create bonds and teach lessons. We should all strive to be more like Wayne and Sissy... live simply, love greatly and work earnestly in whatever and wherever you are needed. If I could sum up what makes these two so great would be the time they give to others over themselves - they truly know the meaning of making a difference or impact on someones life just by be selfless... that in itself is a lesson learned just by witnessing the example of who they are... their true nature... just because they love.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Is This My Life or Your Life?

Have you ever felt like you said to much? Sometimes we can say to much, share to much and expect to much. I have come to realize there are only a handful of people who a person can really trust for help and support and that's even doubtful. It's amazing to me just how many people "run" when you are in a personal crisis. Years ago I lost what I thought was supposed to be my best friend because she decided I shouldn't of chose to stay with my husband... well I did and she chose to leave - based on what she thought was best for MY life. I have come to know people in general are incredibly selfish and lack the knowledge of what selfless means. To give yourself freely to another regardless of how YOU feel is selfless... it's called loving and accepting people "where they're at".

People with true maturity and knowledge of selfless love will understand the phrase above. I have been around to many judgemental people with opinions on what I should do without having asked for them. You know, it really doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you feel right about you - without hesitation... just feel right, regardless of circumstance. Don't ever make a decision based on what someone else thinks or you will live with regret. This is YOUR life and you are responsible for YOUR life... not your best friend, mom, dad, grandma, etc... just you.

Making mistakes is part of growth in life... and if I may share something - you will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again unless and until you learn whatever life is trying to teach you. Don't expect different results to a problem when you are giving it the same reaction. If you find yourself repeating a problem over and over again look at your approach. The definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting different results. If you want change then make, be or show the change. Be a teacher, an encourager and a helper to others who need guidance. Most people don't come to others for opinions rather for guidance and support - even though they may ask for your opinion, it's really the support they are after so be careful. You may be wondering how you can support something that is totally wrong... well you don't have to and are advised to give your suggestions and or opinions IN LOVE - did you get that? In love... nobody will listen to anything you have to say unless it's coming from a loving selfless place - that's where the growing is done - in love. If your not loving or can't understand what that means you have no business giving advice... you are more likely enjoying the gossip or drama in someone else's life because yours is unfulfilled and boring. Don't expect people to respond like you would - people are different and please don't ever compare someone to another... PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT and no two are the same. Lastly, you are never to old to change. Growth takes place until death... but only if you allow it to. Think about that.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Managing Anger By Using The Triple P Method

Anger properly channeled and controlled is a good thing—a God-given thing. Like a gas flame on the stove, anger is not inherently destructive. It’s a legitimate emotion that has a legitimate function. But it can be helpful or harmful, depending on how we use it. If we don’t learn how to process and express it in healthy ways, the results can be ruinous. Aristotle said it well: “Anyone can become angry-that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not easy.”
One tried-and-true strategy for working with anger is what we call the Triple P Method. It’s a helpful way to remain calm when you feel as though your anger is escalating to potentially dangerous level. The Triple P Method stands for three action steps: Pause. Ponder. Pray.
PAUSE: The first step is to deliberately stop, breathe deeply, and allow that boiling energy to drain away. Buy yourself some time. This lets your body and emotions cool down before you take action. You may even want to take a break and get away from whatever situation might be triggering your anger.
Have you ever noticed that the angrier we feel, the dumber we get? It’s not only a perception; it’s a proven fact. Anger reduces the oxygen to the brain, and our thinking gets foggy. When we’re angry, we do ourselves a favor to pause, disengage from whatever might be fueling our fire, and calm ourselves down.
With emotional pressure building and swirling at high speed, the internal energy will be seeking a release. If we don’t purposely open a release valve and let some of it out, we can become like a pressure cooker on the verge of exploding. But if we pause, we give ourselves a chance to let go of some of this pent-up energy.
The following list has some good ideas for discharging inner tension… before it explodes! Here are seven ways to trigger a calm response:
1. Take in a deep breath, count to five, then slowly let it out, and relax. (Old advice, but it works!)
2. Tune in to your body and deliberately relax whatever is tense.
3. Walk around the room and shake out the tension.
4. Get a drink of water.
5. Lean back in your chair in a relaxed fashion.
6. Massage the back of your neck and shoulders.
7. Warm a heating pad and place it on your shoulders or lower back.
PONDER: Anger doesn’t have to escalate. We can choose cool words over hot words when we talk to ourselves abut what might be bothering us or driving our feelings of frustration. Self-awareness is an important key to managing anger because it allows us to monitor our tension and effectively release it. People who are skilled in managing their anger do this almost intuitively. They have a keen awareness of what is bothering them, and purposely turn down the heat on their anger so that it doesn’t’ burn them or boil over one others.
This has tremendous power to reduce tension and help us cope in the heat of the moment. Even hot anger doesn’t have to boil over. Cool words can keep our anger in check and prevent us from fueling fires that harm ourselves or others.
COOL WORDS TO USE WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY:
Getting angry won’t get me what I want in the long run.
Think straight. Keep focused. Stay positive.
Keep reason and respect number one.
Don’t blame. Look for solutions.
This situation isn’t worth a coronary.
This problem is annoying, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
I don’t have to take this personally.
What seems so important today won’t seem so a few months from now.
I can pick my fights and save my energy for more important issues.
When the time is right, talk slow… talk soft.
PRAY: When we talk to God about our wounds and our anger, we do so for our sake, not His. He already knows the secrets of our heart. I’m not talking abut prayers consisting of fancy, pious, religious words. I’m talking abut authentically sharing our thoughts and feelings with God, as we would with our safest and most trusted friend. Some of the best prayers have more feelings than words. Whispers in the dark, cries from a lonely heart, sighs of confusion, and fumbling utterances offered to God will find their way to His ears, and He will answer.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how, or what, to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves.(Romans 8:26-27, The Message)
David, author of many of the psalms, mastered the art of venting his anger in prayer. I love his bold honesty with God:
My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me, hunting me down in their anger… Destroy them, Lord, and confuse their speech, for I see violence and strife… Let death seize my enemies by surprise; let the grave swallow them alive, for evil makes its home within them… I will call on God, and the LORD will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I plead aloud in my distress, and the LORD hears my voice. He rescues me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, even though many still oppose me… Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. (Psalm 55:3, 9, 15-18, 22, NLT)
Rather than taking matters into his hands, David dumped his anger into God’s lap, or as it says in The Message, he piled his troubles on God’s shoulders (Psalm 55:22). He asked God to take up his cause and bring revenge. His example challenges us. When we are angry, we feel a natural compulsion to act fast. We are driven to “set things straight” and balance the scales. It’s basic human nature to want to reestablish justice in an unfair situation. Rather than depending on God, we take over. Our sense of justice screams, “If anything is going to be made right, I have to make it happen!”
The ways of the world are very different from the ways of God. We are advised to leave the how and when of revenge to God: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil… Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17, 19, 21). Someone once said, “He who seeks revenge digs two graves.”
Justice will reign. God will initiate it, and God will complete it. He will either do it now, or He will do it later. It is God’s promise to us. God is our avenger, right now, this very moment. Jesus stands today in the Father’s presence as our Advocate. We have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1). The Holy Spirit is alongside us like legal counsel in a court case, representing us and fighting for our best interests: “The Spirit Himself intercedes for us” (Romans 8:26).
I have talked often with God about these truths during difficult time in my life. Prayers based on these ideas have tempered my anger over setbacks and losses, reminding me of the bigger picture. Ultimately there is no situation in life that can defeat us because of who God is in us. He is greater than what assails us. He is more powerful than those who wound us. His plans and purposes for our life cannot be thwarted by anyone or anything, no matter how black things may seem.
Every pain, every sorrow, every ounce of anger surrendered to God will not be wasted. He takes it all-the good, the bad, the outrageously unfair—and puts a positive spin on it so that it ultimately works for our eternal good. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them” (Romans 8:28, NLT).
The above article comes from the book, The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt, written by Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt, published by Multnomah Publishers. There was a lot more that we wish we could include in this article on this subject including how to “Renounce Replays and Revenge” and reviewing several steps to help you experience the freedom of forgiveness, plus other helpful bits of wisdom so we encourage you to obtain this book wherever it is sold or through their web site.
This is a good book for women filled who are finding it difficult to cope with some of the tragedies that plague them. It offers you the pathway to regain your footing, restart your life, recover your energy, and reclaim your joy. Contained within its pages are real-life testimonies that will guide you toward recovery and inspire you to press forward in newfound strength-not in spite of your wounds but because of them. As Dr Stephens says,
“We cannot change the past. What has occurred—with all of its hurt, injustice, cruelty, disappointment, and tragedy —has slipped into history, beyond our control. Even so, we can change how we view the painful realities that have touched our life and what we say to ourselves about those realities.” The mission of this book is to help you move forward as you work through your pain, “reminding you that there is hope that you are not alone. God never promised to keep us from wounds, but He did promise to be with us and to help us heal.”
Excerpted from The Wounded Woman © 2006 by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Nail Your Problems to the Cross By Beth Livingston Certified Recovery Specialist

During Easter we’re reminded of Jesus Christ’s horrific moments: false accusations, treated like a criminal, arrested, beaten, mocked, spit on, and eventually nailed to a cross where he suffered and died. (See Luke 22-23) Could it be that we, in our addictions and other unwanted behaviors, have felt some of these same things?

My friend, Patty, went back home after spending a year in a residential rehab for crack cocaine addiction. Because of her tainted history, her family had no trust in her ability to remain clean. She could make a trip to the grocery store and end up being accused of scoring some crack while she was out. The verbal assault came first, then they’d search her room, the car, and check the messages on her cell phone. She ended up feeling falsely accused and humiliated – treated like a criminal.

Our jails and prisons are filled with people who were arrested for their sale, possession, and/or use of illegal substances or over-use of alcohol. Others have been arrested for behaviors that became criminally violent without any substance at all.

Many who attend recovery programs or seek counseling have experienced some semblance of what Christ encountered on his way to the cross. The HUGE difference between Christ’s experience and ours is that He had done NOTHING to deserve the mistreatment. He spent 33 years on this earth and never sinned, never did anything “unholy” or questionable. Yet, here he was – being treated like one of the world’s most dangerous, despicable criminals. Why?

Why didn’t he stand up for justice, demand that his torturers be bound and thrown into hell, and call all of the angels from heaven to bring a holy showdown there at Calvary? The answer is simple – so that all of mankind would have the opportunity to be forgiven and turn from their sins and spend eternity with Him in Heaven. He was murdered for all of our sins, all of our addictions, all of our poor choices – so we wouldn’t have to be. Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Jesus Christ paid for our problems with his life. He wanted to give us power from on high to defeat sin in our lives. Romans 6:10-11 says, “When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Jesus Christ.”

Once every 12 weeks in our recovery group we prayerfully consider what we need victory over in our lives, that’s been dogging us and we need a breakthrough. When we have determined what that is for each of us, we name it by writing it on a thin, small piece of paper and one by one take the hammer and a nail and nail that problem to the wooden cross in our meeting place. There is something powerful and moving that happens as you nail your problems to the cross. As you pound that nail, you understand that Jesus was nailed to the cross for that problem of yours. What would you nail there today? Take every step you can to get free.  

Monday, June 6, 2011

When A Wife Is Hardest To Love, She Needs It Most

Women are complex emotional creatures. Your wife doesn’t need you to completely understand her or figure out all her ins and outs and ups and downs. She may not even understand these things about herself. But to seek to love her, no matter what, is a goal worth pursuing.
Cindy of Princeville gave great wisdom in her survey response. She said, “If I’m crying, hug me. If I’m laughing, hug me. If I’m doing the dishes, hug me. If I turn away from your hug, especially then, hug me!”
When a wife is hardest to love, chances are this is when she needs it the most. When I was trying to explain this to Art, I knew I needed a word picture to help him understand. As I thought about what example I could use to help him get what I was saying, I decided to compare my emotional needs to his sexual needs.
Sex —now this is something most husbands understand. At least they understand their need for sexual intimacy on a consistent basis. I know that if I am not meeting Art’s intimate needs, he’s more likely to be tempted in this area. If Art is not meeting my emotional needs, then I am more likely to be tempted in the emotional area. I am likely to struggle with insecurity and doubt in the authenticity of his love, if he is not making an effort to fill me emotionally. Granted, my ultimate significance comes in my relationship with the Lord, but as Art needs me sexually, I need him emotionally.
This is where the dilemma often occurs. By the time I am emotionally needy, I am usually hard to love. I need Art to fill me emotionally like my physical body needs to be filled with food. If I feed my body on a consistent basis, then I have energy and I feel able to function. If, however, I starve my physical body, then I feel cranky, lethargic, and unable to exert energy.
Think about how you feel when it has been too long since you and your wife connected sexually. This is how she feels when it has been too long since the two of you have connected emotionally. She will be starving emotionally and likely exhibit the same symptoms I described when a body is starved for food. She’ll be cranky and a little hard to love. But this is when she needs your love the most.
Ephesians 5:25-27 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
Just before these verses Paul (author of this book of the Bible) tells wives to obey their husbands (verse 22). The NIV Life Application Study Bible says this in the commentary on these verses:
Paul devotes twice as many words to telling husbands to love their wives as to telling wives to submit to their husbands. How should a man love his wife? (1) He should be willing to sacrifice everything for her. (2) He should make her well-being of primary importance. (3) He should care for her as he cares for his own body. No wife needs to fear submitting to a man who treats her in this way.
Christ loves the church with “agape” love. This is pure, unconditional love. It is a love based on the decision that no matter what, be she sweet or be she cranky, you choose to love her. This love pursues its bride. This love actively seeks to know how to love her. This love gives and does even when it’s tired and doesn’t feel like giving or doing. This is the love that drove Christ to do what He did for the church, even unto death. This is how God calls a husband to love his wife.
Kay Arthur, in her book A Marriage Without Regrets, writes:
And how did Jesus love the church? He humbled Himself, girded on a towel and washed filthy feet, that she might be “cleansed by the washing of water with the word.” He offered His flesh to be torn by evil men that she might be without “spot or wrinkle or any such thing.” He died on a cruel cross that she might be made holy and blameless.
O, beloved, our Lord loves us warts and all! Unconditionally, sacrificially, patiently, enduringly, and endearingly. God forgives and does not forsake. Read the gospels and see Him in action; read the epistles and see Him explained. Then you will know how a husband is to love his wife. …Can you imagine what would happen throughout the homes of [the world] if husbands would begin to love their wives in this agape way? Can you picture what would happen to the divorce rate? It would plummet like the stock market did in the Great Depression—only instead of depression the great boom this [world] has ever known would arise.
Easy? Not at all. Is it worth the effort? Absolutely. There will be days when loving her takes every ounce of courage and strength.
Let me leave you with the words the Lord gave to Joshua as he was about to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. He too was overwhelmed. He too felt inadequate—maybe just like you. But he was successful because he kept these words of his God close to his warrior heart:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I can do everything through Him who gives me strenth (Philippians 4:13).

The above article comes from the book, Capture Her Heart: Becoming the Godly Husband Your Wife Desires, by Lysa TerKeurst, published by Moody Press. This book is one that is endorsed by the ministry of Focus on the Family and is subtitled, “Becoming the Godly Husband Your Wife Desires.” This is not a very big book-it’s actually smaller and more compact than most, which might appeal to many who don’t want to pick up a book to read which is large and complicated. But don’t let its size fool you! It has some great material in it and a man might even use it to read together with his wife during a quiet time together. As one of them reads a chapter aloud, they can discuss it afterwards to see what they can learn about each other.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What Your Husband Needs: RESPECT

Years ago there was a television commercial for a certain brand of car wax. In it a woman was getting ready to sell her car, which looked weathered, old, and dull—so much so that most people wouldn’t give it a second look. The woman realized how dull her car looked, so she used this particular brand of car wax on it. Voila! Her car shone like it was brand-new. It looked so good, in fact, that the woman’s affections for it were revived and she decided to keep it.
We and our relationships are a lot like that. When we treat someone as a valued gift and invest ourselves in his or her care, we build up that person’s feelings of self-worth and draw closer to them as well.
When a wife respects, nurtures, and affirms her husband, it deepens her love for him. On the other hand, when we don’t regard something as valuable and neglect it, our feelings for it begin to wane. At the top of any man’s list of needs is respect from his mate; God created men that way. He needs respect as much from his wife as he needs air to breathe. A man who doesn’t receive respect from his wife is a man who begins to wither on the inside. He’s all right as long as no one is standing on the air hose running to the tank labeled Respect.
That is exactly why God calls wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33).
Some believe that respect is something we all must earn. But just like love, respect from spouse to spouse must be unconditional. This is what Scripture teaches: “Show proper respect to everyone … not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh” (1 Peter 2:17-18).
I’ve seen numerous instances in which a wife began to believe in her husband and showed him respect. The husband, in turn, began to change-both in his own thinking and beliefs and in how he treated and responded to his wife.
How can a wife show respect for her husband? Here are just a few examples:
• Express faith in his decision and ability.
• Leave him notes (men respond better to the written word) that tell him how much you value who he is as a person (and sometimes for his work).
• If he botches a task at home, don’t sigh, roll your eyes, and mutter at him; instead, thank him for trying.
• Make positive suggestions without demanding an immediate answer. Ask him to reflect on it for a while.
• Listen to his upsets and don’t take his anger personally.
• Let him vent when he needs to.
• Encourage him in areas where he doesn’t feel secure and let him know you stand behind him.
• When he makes a decision you’re not in favor of, listen.
• Talk about his positive strengths in front of the children.
• Praise him at least once a day.
• Discover the uniqueness of his personality and learn to understand him and communicate better with him.
• Accept his maleness and celebrate the differences that come from this.
Ask yourself which of these you did this past month in an effort to show your husband respect. Then ask yourself how you’ll find ways to do these things in the coming month and beyond.
Here’s a good example of a wife showing her husband respect, admiration, and love he needed from her:
One of the pastors I respected greatly was E.V. Hill, who served for many years as pastor of Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles. When E.V. first began in the ministry, he was a hard worker who wanted to provide for his wife, but he was also a young preacher who struggled to make enough money just to pay for the necessities.
Pastor Hill’s wife appreciated his efforts to protect and provide for her, even though some months there wasn’t enough money to pay all the bills. One night, he came home and noticed immediately that the house was dark. When he opened the door, he saw that his wife, Jane, had prepared a candlelight dinner. He loved the idea, but when he went to the bathroom to wash up, he flipped the light switch and nothing happened. Then he went to the bedroom and tried the lights. Again… there was nothing. The entire house was dark.
He went back and asked his wife why the lights didn’t work. Jane began to cry and said, “You work so hard, but it’s rough. I didn’t have enough money to pay the electric bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight!”
Dr. Hill described this experience with deep emotion: “My wife could have said, “I never had this happen in the home I was raised in.” But she didn’t berate or blame him. Instead she said, “Somehow we’ll get these lights back on, but tonight let’s eat by candlelight.”
Our calling to love and respect is a calling regardless of what the other person does. It’s sacrificial. It’s in the scriptures. It works!


The above article comes from the book, One Marriage Under God: Building an Everlasting Love, written by H. Norman Wright, published by Multnomah. This is a book that will help you see things from God’s perspective, clarifying the institution of marriage as God originally created it—a beautiful committed, eternal bond. Dr. Wright helps you see how this bond leaves only one option for anyone who’s ever said I do: Make it work, no matter what! This book gives insights on: Whether you married the “right” or “wrong” person is entirely up to you… God has a good plan for every marriage … Your marriage needs to be re-created daily… The culture’s alternatives to marriage are destructive; God’s plan is flawless… The benefits of marriage are a carefully guarded secret… and “Me” or “We?”

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Leaving Your Parents To Cleave To Your Spouse

The following is a small portion of an excellent eight part radio interview series which was put together by the wonderful ministry of Family Life Today. It was titled, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage” and Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine were the hosts:
For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)
Dennis Rainey: Today we want to look at the whole aspect of how you leave father and mother to establish this new union. And at the outset I want to say there is a lot of emotionally deep water around this subject of leaving your father and mother to establish a new marriage relationship.
Bob Lepine: I was reading recently in Dr. Dan Allender’s book, “Intimate Allies,” and he made the statement that, in his experience, he could trace 90% of marital discord back to a failure to leave.
Dennis: And most couples don’t think they’ve failed to leave, yet if they could see what is trailing behind them as they walk out the church, they’d see “apron strings” still tied to a man and a woman by their parents; by people who love them, who care about them, but who simply don’t know how to let them leave. And it’s awkward because there is a new union formed there, a new relationship that is an entity, and it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be a couple who are one, who are in the process of forging a marriage relationship.
I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, “Powerful Personalities,” describing different personality types and how different people try to control others through aggressive or passive behavior and how we can manipulate each other. A young couple that is really not prepared properly to establish this new marriage relationship — if they’re not careful, will be controlled by either his parents or her parents or find themselves in between two sets of parents trying to establish this relationship. The word “leave” from the biblical text means to “forsake dependence upon.” It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents toward your spouse.
We do that in such a way that honors our parents but that sends a clear signal that this is a new relationship that must be established. Sometimes parents don’t realize that this command in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24 is as much a command to the parents as it is to the couple who are getting married. It’s the wise parents that can understand the dynamics that a young couple is under as they try to forge the identity of a new marriage in the midst of two competing families.
Bob: It’s one thing for parents to understand what they’re supposed to do, it’s another thing for parents to process that emotionally and make that switch.
Dennis: It’s hard to turn your back on the emotional giving, sharing, and development that you’ve poured into this daughter or this son’s life to encourage them to leave. It doesn’t mean you lose the relationship, though. It means, in essence, you get one back that’s different, that has different parameters. You shouldn’t be controlling them as a young adult, anyway.
A lot of parents need to realize you need to let your son or daughter grow up. Let them become a mature adult and relate to them more as a peer and less as a child. But some of our parents simply can’t get beyond that because, frankly, in some situations, we represent the only real living relationship that our parents have. They don’t have a vital marriage, and the only real relationships they have are with their children, and they simply can’t or won’t allow them to leave.
Bob: You said that most of us would think that we have left, and we may not have really left. You defined leaving as “forsaking dependence upon.” How can I run a test to see whether I’ve done the leaving that I’m supposed to have done?
Dennis: There are three areas you can run a test on to see how you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. The first one is emotional — have you left your parents’ emotional control of your life? Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?
I remember, in my immaturity again as a young man, simply sharing with my mom a mistake that Barbara had made in our marriage. It was a minor mistake. Barbara had hurt me, but I shared it with my mom, and it was as though I had shared this grievous error, because my mother came running over to me. And although she didn’t say these words verbally, what I felt was, “I knew that she couldn’t be the woman that you really needed as my son.”
Bob: “She wouldn’t take care of you the way I have.”
Dennis: Yeah, that was what she was essentially saying and, obviously, my mom had practice. I was almost 25 years old, so she had 24 years practice caring for me as her son. But what she was doing was rushing in to care for me, and in future conversations with my mom, the mistake that Barbara made would be brought up by her. I learned a very valuable lesson — be very careful, as a couple, of what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed you or hurt you. Your parents don’t have near the grace to give your spouse that you have. You’re their son or their daughter that they will naturally move to protect. They’ve been trained to do that for years.
I don’t condemn my mom for her protective instincts. I just recognize that they’re there. But I realized at that point I couldn’t share those disappointments with my mom. It would simply play to a weakness in her life, and set Barbara up to be a failure in my mom’s eyes.
Bob: So you’re saying that in this idea of leaving emotionally, we’ve got to be on guard against a natural tendency our parents will have to continue to try to be our parents.
Dennis: Yes, and if your parents are trying to manipulate you emotionally, what you have to do is ask your spouse to help you get beyond this. Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays, determine how long you’re going to go and when you’re going to go and whose house you’re going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases. Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.
I think your spouse ought to be that person you cleave to and depend upon to really help you get free of your parents and establish your own identity as a couple.
Bob: Okay, we have to see if we have left emotionally — are there other areas?
Dennis: I think the financial area is one where parents can try to exert power or control over us . I remember early in our marriage, I had invested some money in a small land deal. It was a small amount of money for me, as a single man, but it was an investment. It turned over and sold real quickly, and I made a nice little profit. So I thought, “Hey, I think I’ll put the profits in another investment.” So after we had gotten married, Barbara and I together decided we’d invest in a second investment. And just as the first investment had been really good, this investment was equally bad — and we lost it all.
At that point, the temptation was to call daddy. Now, I use the word “daddy” there specifically because it wasn’t calling “Dad.” It would be calling “Daddy.” For me this situation became an opportunity to squarely face my obligations as a young man with a wife. If I’d made a dumb choice and a bad investment I needed to bear the loss that came with that.
In a very unusual way, I feel like that choice to take my losses and not run home to my dad to bail us out as a couple was a very important step in becoming financially independent and becoming responsible as a man, to provide for my wife and be responsible for my own financial decisions. Now, I’m not saying it would be wrong to ask parents to help you out in a situation.
It turned out, later on, that my dad ended up giving us some money to help us with a down payment on our first home. But that felt different, getting that down payment, than what I would have felt if I had gone home to dad and asked him to bail us out of a difficult situation. I think what happens today with many young couples is they’re trying to live on a higher level than they ought to be living. They’re going home to mom or dad to bail them out of a situation. And it’s creating a dependence upon parents, because where money goes, there can be — not every time— but there can be control, manipulation, and there can be a payback.
It’s interesting that when my dad did help us with the house, later on, I felt absolutely no control by him or by my mom, even though they did help us establish that first home. Here is the wisdom for parents, who are listening — if you do help your kids financially, make sure you’re doing it in such a way that it doesn’t exert control or influence, and it really divides this couple who were meant to be cleaving toward one another.
Bob: How can I tell whether an offer of financial help from parents is coming with strings attached or not?
Dennis: I’d look at the track record of the parents. Do they have a track record of using other things in your life to control you, manipulate you, or seek power over you? If they have, I wouldn’t accept money.
Bob: But if we’re looking at the down payment on a house, and really want to be in the house.
Dennis: There is no house worth the emotional cost that you’re going to have to pay. It really isn’t worth it. Leaving and cleaving needs to be away from your parents—cleaving to your spouse. If you allow money to control you, you’re going to be pulled back when you need to be stepping forward towards your spouse.
Bob: We’ve talked about emotionally leaving, we’ve talked about financially leaving — is there another area?
Dennis: Yes, decision-making, and this could include the spiritual dimension of life as well-just getting advice from parents. Parents need to give advice, and I think we need to go back to them for counsel and for wisdom, but the decision needs to be yours as a couple. You need to share the weight of that decision praying together and making your decision as a couple.
That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do what they say, necessarily. It just means that you can’t give them power over your lives at that point. Illustration in point — I know a grown man who is stuck in a spiritually dead church. He takes his entire family there every Sunday. He has been going there for 15 years with his kids. His kids are now teenagers. Just down the road there is a church that preaches the word of God and it’s got a great youth group. Do you know who is really controlling this decision — both sets of parents.
Both of those parents go to that church, and they are keeping them in this liberal church, and this guy will not assume the responsibility that he has to lead his family spiritually by taking them to a place where they’ll be nurtured; where they will receive spiritual encouragement to grow. And you know what? It’s going to cost him, and it’s going to cost him big time in his family as his children move on to maturity.
Bob: You talk a lot about the concept of honoring our parents. I’m sure for this man the idea of moving on to another church feels like it would be bringing great dishonor on both sets of parents.
Dennis: This is taking place in a small community, so the pressure is intense. The whole town would know if this man moved his family from that church. But, at that point, you’ve got to look at that man and say, “Do what’s spiritually best for your wife and your family.” In this particular situation, everyone in his family wants to make the move to the other church, but he’s afraid of what it will cost him. He needs to be a man of conviction. He needs to lead his family spiritually.
Bob: It might help if he would read Tim Kimmel’s book on how to deal with powerful personalities, because it sounds like that’s one of the things that’s going on here. He’s got parents who are working to subtly control him in this situation.
In fact, Dr. Dan Allender’s book, Intimate Allies, would be another great resource for him, because in that book Dan talks about the importance of leaving father and mother and about some of the subtle tendencies there can be on the part of parents to continue to try to control us, even after we’re married.
Dennis: I’ve got three quick thoughts for you as you evaluate as a couple what you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. First of all, I’d encourage you to discuss, as a couple, have you left? Each of you — have you left emotionally, financially, and for direction or decision-making? Secondly, if you’ve got some problems there, I’d encourage you to pray together, as a couple, for a solution. And, third, honor your parents but take action. Set a course for your marriage and take control of the future by making some decisions that will create health and spiritual vitality in your marriage.

LEAVINGBroadcast Date: 08/26/04
Bob: The Bible says when a man and a woman are getting married, they are to leave father and mother. But what happens if Mom and Dad don’t want you to leave?
Dennis: You can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to, to experience approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.
Many times I’ve used the illustration of the husband having a set of blueprints and the wife having a set of blueprints, and the problem when their blueprints only overlap at points. If a husband and a wife both have the same set of blueprints, and they’re both coming at their marriage relationship from the Scripture, they’re going to be building their marriage as God designed it. Genesis, chapter 2 gives us the panoramic view of the marriage relationship from God’s perspective. In verses 24 and 25 He says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.”
I believe virtually every marital problem can be traced to a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really cultivate that oneness of flesh. If we really understand these blueprints in the Book of Genesis, it will help us, as a couple, have our marriage set in the right direction.
Bob: Couples will often say, “Our problem is” — and then they’ll go on to list whatever the issue that they’re dealing with is. I oftentimes say, “No, your symptom is communication,” or your symptom is finances. I point them back to Genesis and say, “Your problem is either a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really establish the oneness in a marriage relationship.”
Dennis: That’s right, and in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24, it talks about a cause. God wants a man and a woman to become one. It’s the marriage relationship. That’s the cause that causes him to leave his father and his mother. The word “leave” here means to “forsake dependence upon.” It means that we no longer look to our parents for approval, for support, or for encouragement. We leave one sphere of influence and move to another sphere of influence.
Bob: Let’s assume that some of our listeners are headed toward the altar this year. What can they be doing now to prepare to leave?
Dennis: I think they are in an enviable position of being able to establish the leaving to occur in the right way. They can begin to spend time with their parents and let them know that although they’re leaving them to establish this new union, they still are going to be their son or daughter, and they want a relationship. But they can send signals to the parents to let them know that their allegiance is switching, that they’re going to be committed to this new person that they are making a covenant with in the marriage ceremony.
Parents need their sons and daughters to help them in this process. It’s difficult. Emotionally, parents don’t want to give up the investment that’s taken place over 18 or more years. It’s the wise person who can understand those dynamics and maybe even talk about it with their mom or dad. Let them know that you know it may be a struggle.
It may be that the son or daughter is the only real relationship they have. They may not have any other relationships. They may be in a dead marriage. They may not be alive spiritually. They may not be plugged into a good church where they have their relationship needs met by other Christians. And so for them to say goodbye to a son or daughter who is getting married, is to cut themselves off from a living hope. It’s at that point that we need to give our parents a gift of compassion. It’s the gift of looking at your parents through the eyes of Christ. How can I so minister to them and encourage them that it will make this process of leaving palatable for all concerned?
Bob: You’re saying that a young man or a young woman who is headed toward marriage would be wise to invest some time and emotional effort in beginning to prepare his parents for the idea that he’s leaving. That will help establish his marriage relationship in the early days?
Dennis: No question about it. If a young man has the wisdom to prepare his parents he will go a long way toward establishing a freedom and ability to establish a new marriage relationship when it occurs. In fact, if he will use these days leading up to the marriage ceremony, at the point when the couple do cleave, there will be a lot less problems in the first years of marriage as they decide where to go over the holidays and whose parents to go visit and how much time to spend at which parents’ house on vacation. And it will also help when parents overstep their bounds, or they’re moving back into control. If there is the relationship there, and it’s been established, then there can be the discussion about these matters without it becoming some kind of polarization.
Bob: Let’s assume that the wedding has already taken place, and it’s 5 years into the marriage, and couples are beginning to look at one another and saying, “Is this an issue for us? Maybe we haven’t done a good job of establishing our leaving from our parents.”
Dennis: I think the process really begins when you realize that you haven’t left, and you haven’t done it properly. If you recognize that that’s true, then at that point you can begin to take some steps that will breathe some health into your own marriage but also into your relationship with your parents.
Bob: And you’d recognize that by seeing that you are either emotionally dependent or financially dependent or still dependent in your decision-making on your mom or your dad?
Dennis: Yes, there are certain parents who are manipulators, who are controllers, and they have such a pattern of controlling that they simply can’t allow their child to leave. I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, “Powerful Personalities,” about three kinds of personality types. One is the aggressive controlling type; a second kind is a passive manipulator, and a third one is a combination of the two — a passive-aggressive controller. Tim really does a great job of explaining how you can have your life controlled by another person and how you can break free from that control.
The first step in dealing with this as a married couple is beginning by honoring your parents. I think any leaving of your parents, whether it be the wedding ceremony for a couple who is getting married where you would honor the parents during the ceremony, or whether it be a married couple who have been married five years, 10 years, or more, there are ways to leave your mother and father and still bring honor to them.
Let me read a portion from a story about a couple who recognized they had not fully left their parents and some steps they took to lead their parents but also do it within the context of honor.
“Dan and Rebecca had been married for more than 10 years before they wrote a tribute to honor Dan’s parents. Dan’s parents were controllers. They expected Dan and Rebecca to attend all family functions, even if it meant missing Rebecca’s family gatherings at Christmas. Dan couldn’t say no to his parents. After years of struggling, Dan and Rebecca concluded that they must do something to honor their parents and establish that Dan’s leaving had occurred.
They had a plaque made at a local trophy store. Engraved on the plaque were the words of affirmation for all Dan’s parents had done for him — a recognition that they had given to his life so that he could leave and cleave to his wife Rebecca. Dan used the opportunity of a tribute to discuss and carefully establish with his parents some boundaries that would prevent their control in the future. And it worked.”
You see what happened here? They couldn’t let him leave, so he left. And by writing a tribute, he did it with such honor, that it formalized the process of him leaving. And I recall in the letter how they had a time of interaction with them talking about the need for Dan to be able to cleave to his wife and meet some of her family’s needs as well.
The issue here is, as you return home with honor, you can use that opportunity to formalize the leaving that should have occurred at the wedding ceremony.
Bob: I’m sure some folks think it worked for Dan and Rebecca, I’m not sure it will work for me. Is there a guarantee on this idea?
Dennis: No, because parents are human, and the emotional bond with children is so powerful that you can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to experience that approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.
Bob: And if we try to do that without doing it in the context of honor, we send a message to our parents or our in-laws that we haven’t really grown up yet. So the first step for a couple is to make sure they’re leaving in the context of honor. What’s next?
Dennis: If you’re married to a spouse who gets controlled by his or her parents, then what you’ve got to do is step in there to protect them and really preserve their own individual integrity as they go back home. In other words, let’s say you take your wife home, and she has a mom who’s manipulative, and you watch this begin to occur. Within the context of honor, I think there are ways to step in there, put your arm around your wife, and perhaps pull her out of situations that may be inflammatory, where she may be losing it emotionally; take a walk, find opportunities to build space in the schedule so that perspective can be regained and so that the parents do not maintain control over their son or over their daughter. What you’ve got to do is take the action needed to really protect and just be a guardian of your spouse without putting your spouse’s parents down or dishonoring them.
Bob: That takes some courage, doesn’t it?
Dennis: It really does; sometimes tough situations demand dramatic measures and, as a man or as a wife, you may need to move in there and protect your spouse or confront a situation and protect the one that you’re committed to. And here is a real caution — be careful of turning against your spouse in front of your parents and siding with your parents against your spouse. That can create a feeling of disloyalty and of being a failure to leave and cleave to your spouse. What your spouse needs in those situations is to be publicly reaffirmed. And what I’d suggest, as a couple, is to talk about these issues, pray about them, and then ask the Lord what kind of steps need to be taken and go back home with an offensive game plan in place so that if a certain circumstance continues to occur, you know exactly what you’re going to do ahead of time.


The above transcripts are just a portion of two days worth of broadcasts which came from an eight day series entitled “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage” with Dennis Rainey, co-hosted by Bob Lepine produced by Family Life Today. You will want to read the whole series on their web site. The following broadcast days focused on “Cleaving to Your Spouse” which is something worth getting ahold of. This is a marvelous series to listen to, or read from the transcripts, or purchase. It can be obtained through the terrific ministry of Family Life Today by visiting their web site at FamilyLife.com.
The original air date for this series was in August 2004. The title of the series is, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage.” We thank God for this ministry and pray God’s people will help them financially so they can continue to offer them to those of us who need the help to make our marriages and families healthy and strong in the Lord.