The Second Half of Marriage

Are you in the second half of marriage? Check out these symptoms:

• You have teenagers who will soon leave the nest.
• Your own parents are aging.
• You were recently invited to a 25th high school reunion.
• You exercise more and burn fewer calories doing it.
• You just received an invitation to join AARP.
• By the time you get your spouse’s attention, you’ve forgotten what you were going to say.

If you identify with these symptoms, you are in or are approaching the second half of marriage. The first half of marriage involved launching your union and surviving the active parenting years. Did you, like us, think those children would be around forever?
With the birthing of the second half of marriage, couples enter an uncharted course where mentors are few and far between. In the past, people didn’t live as long as they do today. Increased longevity has many implications for your marriage. A second-half marriage as long or longer than the first half provides the opportunity to build a closer friendship, to set new goals, to travel and pursue new interests and hobbies, to begin a new profession, to influence your adult children and grandchildren, and to continue to make an impact on this world in one way or another. The second half can be the best time of life! But marriage at this stage comes with challenges.
The transition into the second half of marriage is a crisis time for many couples. The current trend is alarming: long-term marriages are breaking up in record numbers. According to the National Center of Health Statistics, although divorce in the United States generally declined from 1981 to 1991, divorce among couples married 30 years or more showed a sharp increase.
From our surveys, we discovered that for couples who hang together through the midlife transition, marital satisfaction begins to rise again and stays that way—if couples risk growing in their relationship. The second half of marriage gives you the opportunity to reinvent your marriage, to make mid-course adjustments, and to reconnect with one another in a more meaningful way. Healthy long-term marriages have staying power, because they’re held together from within. Competent couples invest time and energy in building and maintaining a positive relationship with each other.
From our work in marriage enrichment over the years, and based on our surveys, we believe that the following 8 challenges describe the areas in which couples with healthy long-term marriages are investing their energies. We’re convinced that if you work on these 8 challenges, your marriage will be enriched. If you don’t surmount these challenges, your marriage will not be as fulfilling as it could be.
1. Let go of past marital disappointments, forgive each other, and commit to making the rest of your marriage the best. Are you willing to let go of unmet expectations and unrealistic dreams? What about that missed promotion — for either of you or your spouse? Can you give up your dream for a condo on the ski slope? Or maybe you’re realizing that your kid is never going to be a Rhodes scholar or professional baseball player. Can you accept those extra pounds? Those gray hairs —or lack of hair? Your mate’s little irritating habits don’t seem to be disappearing —can you accept them?
Giving up lost dreams and dealing with each other’s imperfections is a positive step toward forgiving past hurts and moving on in your marriage. Holding on to marital grudges and disappointments will only prevent you from moving on in your relationship and developing a new, more loving marriage.
2. Create a marriage that is partner-focused rather than child-focused. Too often when the children leave the nest, couples move from a child-focused marriage to an activity-focused marriage. Community or church activities may now take up the time and energy formerly devoted to children. Unfortunately, these activities may still be buffers to a mutual, partnership marriage. How can you make the transition to a partner-focused relationship?
In the second half of marriage, the dynamics of the relationship change. Roles and functions that previously worked are no longer relevant. Without children as distractions, you have the opportunity to refocus and redefine your marriage. Marriage in the second half can be more personal and more fulfilling as you focus on the couple relationship and not on children.
3. Maintain an effective communication system that allows you to express your deepest feelings, joys, and concerns. What can you do when the communication patterns that seemed to work during the first half of marriage are found to be inadequate and lacking for the second half? With the children absent, there are more spaces of silence; there is less to say to each other. You may ask yourself, We made it this far —why is it now so difficult to have a really personal conversation?
When we begin to talk about really personal matters, it’s easy to feel threatened. Midlife is a time when it’s really vitally important to develop interpersonal competence —the ability to converse on a personal level by sharing your deepest feelings, joys, and concerns. Successful couples are able to find a proper balance between intimacy and autonomy, and this is critical for healthy relationships in the second half of marriage.
4. Use anger and conflict in a creative way to build your relationship. Love and anger can both be used to build your marriage, but you must process your anger in an appropriate way and develop a proper balance that allows you to express your concerns in the context of a loving relationship. A healthy marriage is a safe place to resolve honest conflict and process anger. The reason this challenge is so critical to long-term marriages is that in most conflict situations, it isn’t the facts that are the real problem, it’s the strong negative (or even angry) feelings we harbor. Once those feelings are dealt with, it’s simple to move on and work at resolving the conflict.
5. Build a deeper friendship and enjoy your spouse. At this stage of marriage, we can deepen our friendship and become close companions. One advantage of a long-term marriage is being more familiar and comfortable with each other. We know we aren’t perfect, so we can relax and enjoy each other.
What are you doing to build your friendship with your spouse? Are you taking care of your health and pacing yourself for the second half? What are you doing to stretch your boundaries and prevent boredom? The second half of marriage is a great time to develop as “couple friends.” How can we put more fun in our marriage and use humor to diminish the effects of an already too serious world? Friendship and fun in marriage —especially in the second half —is serious business!
6. Renew romance and restore a pleasurable sexual relationship. Many people assume that as people grow older, they loose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Amazingly, our survey results suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with number of years married. As we enter the second half of marriage, it’s important for us to protect our privacy, cherish our love relationship, and renew romance, while acknowledging the inevitable changes in our bodies. The quality of our love life isn’t so much a matter of performance as it’s a function of the quality of our relationship.
7. Adjust to changing roles with aging parents and adult children. Just as you need to release your children into adulthood, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time, you need to balance relationships with your own parents. If your parents didn’t successfully meet with this challenge in their marriage, it may be more difficult for you.
Whatever your situation, the relationship with your elderly parents and your adult children definitely has an effect on your marriage. Realizing and accepting what is realistic in your family relationships is so important. You can’t go back and change your past family history, but what you do in the future is your choice and decision. You can choose to forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.
8. Evaluate where you are on your spiritual pilgrimage, grow closer to each other and to God, and together serve others. Our faith in God and his banner of love over our marriage should make a difference in the quality of our marriage —especially in the second half. The relationship of the husband and the wife to God is tested and validated in their relationship to each other. The closeness we have when we pray together is a closeness we can achieve in no other way.
Let us challenge you to evaluate where you are on your own spiritual pilgrimage and to seek to grow closer spiritually to each other and to God. To meet this challenge, first you must be on a spiritual journey, your journey must have your attention, and your journey must be a priority. Also important to your marriage is a commitment to serve others and pass along the wisdom you have gained. This commitment is a natural outgrowth of love for God.
Marital success comes through daily struggles. Marriage is made up of the daily grind —the little things like making unselfish choices and forgiving each other help to build a healthy marriage. Little steps, if taken in good faith, can turn the tide. Our desire for you is that you will gain new insights and knowledge that will motivate you to make the rest of your marriage the best. The choice is yours.

Quote of the day..

Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing."

A Time to Think and a Time to Choose by Maribeth Jordan

I can see the sun shining down through my bedroom window today. It looks nice bouncing off the Jasmine that's wrapped around one of the deck supports. Regretfully, I am sick today, drinking green tea and lying in bed... my window will most likely be the closest I get to the outside today.

Since my father died, I have been feeling down most days. I can't figure out why I feel so down when I know he has died and went to Heaven.... something he has always looked forward to. I still look at his picture and can't believe he is gone. I guess sometimes you just never think your parents are going to be gone forever someday... after all, each one represents security (or at least they should have for some) to a certain degree. Security is hard to part with whether it being a job, companionship, health, etc... anything that brings one the comfort of security. Mental and physical security are alike but in the grand scheme of things so very different... which is worse, living life after losing two legs or love? Both have two very different effects on the human mind - which by the way, I have come to know is a VERY powerful force over the human body. Your thoughts (mind) can make or break you. So true in fact that the bible tells us...
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

When your mind, body and spirit are separated from one another (contradicting in action, thought or thinking) it's a self imprisoned battlefield. Let me emphasize the word SELF.... self will only take you so far and when your a child of the Lord he will allow you to cross that bridge that leads to nowhere with a sign saying DEAD END... we have no choice but to turn around and CHOOSE our next path. Remember the Lord gives us free will, our instruction is:  “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. Matthew 7:13

It's easy to do, think and act on the wrongs things and in the wrong ways, simply out of laziness, lust or greed. Paul writes about this type of behavior in Romans (7: 15-17) I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to get out of my "pity party". Sometimes, it's hard to just stop and pray, read or meditate on what is right. My mind gets caught up in that windstorm of negativity, fear, hopelessness, etc... you get the idea! Who am I apart from God? Better yet, who am I with God... Phil 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Part of my security (in my mind) was taken from me when my father died ~ that is my problem... it should not be that way because our only true security is in the Lord Jesus Christ our saviour. I haven't fully depended on the Lord for all things and still in my controlling mind I THINK  I - must worry, demand, inflict, cause, impart, control, sort, decide or change when all I should be doing is very simple... pray and rely in faith. Simple but challenging at the same time and for us "leaders" it takes restraint and self sacrifice to do so.

I will leave you with this. This life is hard and for those of you who think being a Christian will have an easy life is sadly mistaken. Look at the life of David, Paul and Moses just to name a few. Each of our walks with the Lord will vary and each one of us has a different purpose here on earth. Going at things our own way will not serve His purpose and will for our lives - we will miss out on what could have been. Our ways may bring short term happiness or comfort but will lack in long-term fulfillment and peace. One thing David, Paul and Moses had in common was a peace that surpassed all understanding in each trial they faced... and let's face it we will all come across trials. As a matter of fact we will all experience a time in everything:
Ecclesiastes 3:3-5
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

Who are you going to be with during those times? Who will you serve? I like what Joshua says best:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15

The Magical Mustard Seed

There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and asked, "What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?"

Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, "Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life." The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed.

She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, "I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me."

They told her, "You've certainly come to the wrong place," and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them.

The woman said to herself, "Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people than I, who have had misfortune of my my own?"

She stayed to comfort them, then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hotels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune.

The woman became so involved in helping others cope with their sorrows that she eventually let go of her own. She would later come to understand that it was the quest to find the magical mustard seed that drove away her suffering.

Quote of the day..

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it.
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor -
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back,
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now -
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin'
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair."

Langston Hughes, 1902-1967American Poet, Author and Editor
Related Quotes Books By Langston Hughes

The Gift of Pain by Dr. Stephen Davey

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
 
Many people believe that pain is God’s one mistake.
Pain usually gets bad press, but have you ever considered that a wise God created us with an ability to feel pain for a reason?
Dr. Paul Brand knewphysical pain is a gift. As he studied the suffering of people infected with Hansen’s disease—leprosy—he came to the conclusion that, at least in some cases, pain is vital to our survival.
While the word leprosy may conjure up images of stubby fingers and toes, ulcerated wounds, and distorted facial features, it is not the direct cause for these conditions. Because of pain deprivation, leprosy causes its victims to inadvertently destroy parts of their own bodies. Hansen’s disease acts as an anesthetic, numbing the pain cells of hands, feet, eyes, ears, and nose.
While most diseases are feared because of their pain, Hansen’s is deadly because its victims feel no pain. According to Dr. Brand, the destruction of facial features and limbs follows because the warning system of pain is gone.
In African and Asian villages where Dr. Brand worked, lepers reached directly into fire to retrieve a dropped potato. Patients at the hospital in India worked, gripping a shovel with a protruding nail; extinguished a burning wick with bare hands; stepped on broken glass. They simply couldn’t feel the warning signals telling them to stop.                                                                        
No wonder Dr. Brand concluded his findings by saying, “Thank God for inventing pain.”                                     Pain is both an essential and unavoidable part of life; the art of living is learning how to respond to pain.    God uses pain in several ways: to correct us—“It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes” (Psalm 119:71); to construct us—“. . . tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character” (Romans 5:3b-4a).
Pain, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, communicates a clear message: something isn’t right! The loss of a loved one, a job, physical ability, or any other type of earthly pain has been caused by Adam’s sin in the garden, as well as our own sin.
But there is the remainder of the verse in Romans 5:4 that says, “. . . and proven character [produces] hope.” Our perspective has to go beyond our lives—it has to stretch out into eternity. That gave the Apostle Peter hope and joy:
In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 1:6-7).

God has promised to set everything right; let God’s gift complete its perfect work! And while you wait, give Him glory—while you suffer, honor Him. While you get that which you don’t want—and don’t get what you do want—exult in Him alone. God isn’t finished . . . yet.

Quote of the day..

Do more than belong: participate.
Do more than care: help.
Do more than believe: practice.
Do more than be fair: be kind.
Do more than forgive: forget.
Do more than dream: work."

The Old Man and the Rose by Heino Molls

During the mid 1950s when I was a kid, my dad worked in a furniture shop at Spadina and Queen in downtown Toronto. Sometimes, I got to go to the shop with him and I made a bit of pocket change running to the restaurant and getting coffee for everybody. I would pass the rest of the day away just hanging around the store, not doing much of anything and not paying much attention to all the hustle and bustle of people and things that were all around me.


One day, as my dad and I were driving to the shop, I looked out the passenger window of the car and I saw an old man standing at the street corner. For some reason, our eyes met and held for about twenty seconds as we went by the corner. There was nothing fearful about this man but it was a significant encounter for me. Up to that point in my life, I had given no thought to anyone I saw on the street, in stores or anywhere else. My life was my family and my friends on the block and that was it. I had no interest in anyone beyond that circle.

But I was intrigued by that old man. For the first time I had an empathy and an interest in what that person was all about. What kind of life had he lived? Where had he been in his time? How had he come to this corner just at the moment I was going by?

Over the years I had long forgotten about this old man, but he came to mind for me recently and I remembered those twenty seconds or so that I looked into the eyes of a stranger and wondered what he was all about.

It seems we are all so busy these days. There are so many details, so many calls to make and so many things to look after that we barely have time for sincere and genuine interest in others.

We are inundated by warnings from great thinkers in our society encouraging us to 'stop and smell the roses'. But I'm afraid it has taken me decades to really appreciate the wisdom of these words.

If I ever have the opportunity to speak to a young person today, I do my best to convey this message. But unfortunately, young people are too busy to heed good advice. Much like I was so many years ago. Youth indeed is so often wasted on the young.

If I had the chance, I would tell young people to stop what they are doing and look around. I would tell them to try as hard as they could to fully understand what is right in their line of sight, what is in the range of their hearing at the moment, what is in their immediate reach and grasp.

I would like so much to tell people, especially young people, that if you are thoughtless and indifferent to others on your road in life, then you are missing life itself. Do not be intrusive or tactless, for heaven’s sake, but take a moment and ask someone, how did you come here or how did you get into this business?

No matter what that person tells you, their answer will make you richer. You can grow emotionally, you can excel as a person and you can be wealthy by every measure if you just appreciate the gifts that people and life all around you are ready to give right at this moment just by their simple presence.

We should appreciate that great symphonies were written from only seven simple notes that God gave the entire universe. We should know that great works of art are measured by the emotions they evoke, not just how they look next to the plant stand.

We should never forget that heartache cannot be cured but can be eased by someone willing to give genuine sympathy. The true greatness of joy can only be known when it is shared with others.

Recently, I attended a trade show at the convention centre in downtown Toronto. During the lunch break I went to a book sale along the trendy Queen West area. I was thinking about returning to the show or carrying on my walk when I realized I was standing at the corner of Spadina and Queen. At that moment a car went by and I caught the eye of a young boy looking at me from the passenger window. We looked at each other for about twenty seconds before the car disappeared around the corner. I wondered if that boy was thinking about what sort of person I was.

And I realized that I was now an old man. Like the man I saw so many years ago.

I wondered if 50 years had just simply flashed by or whether that boy and I had just simply changed places in the span of 20 seconds.

Before I returned to the trade show, I stopped at a florist. I bought a rose and put it in the lapel of my jacket. For some reason, I felt it was the most important thing I would do for the rest of the day.

Quote for the day..

No matter what looms ahead, if you can eat today, enjoy the sunlight today, mix good cheer with friends today, enjoy it and bless God for it. Do not look back on happiness - or dream of it in the future. You are only sure of today; do not let yourself be cheated out of it."

Husband and Wife Relationships ~ The Christian family

Isaiah 66:2
For all those things hath mine hand made, and all those things have been, saith the LORD: but to this man will I look, even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit, and trembleth at my word.

Proverbs 13:13
Whoso despiseth (disrespects) the word shall be destroyed (to wind tightly, bind): but he that feareth the commandment shall be rewarded (be safe).

Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

There are several reasons Christians have problems in this life. One of them is simply disobedience to God's principles. God has given us His word. He has told us the spiritual principles by which we may prosper. To ignore these principles is to arrogantly challenge God's authority and laws. No one has ever broken God's physical principles without suffering the consequences and this is likewise true of His spiritual principles.
Sometimes people think if they simply ignore God's laws, they will not be accountable and God will not enact the penalties. People only try this in the spiritual realm. They know they cannot close their eyes and walk into busy traffic without injury or death. Yet, some expect good in their lives and may seem puzzled or even angry when it does not happen even though they have been living contrary to God's spiritual laws.
The above scriptures, plus many more which could be cited, make clear the principle that obedience brings happiness and success while disobedience brings sorrow and failure to any area of life, and certainly to a home.

The Second Most Important Subject

Next to an individual's eternal salvation, the subject of marriage and the home is the most important. To be a success in business or have a well thought of place in the community and fail in the responsibilities of the home is to miss the realities of life.
This being true, we would expect the word of God which "thoroughly furnishes us unto all good works" (2Timothy 3:16-17), to be replete with instructions on the subject of marriage and child rearing. This expectation is indeed fulfilled as we examine the pages of the Bible. However, a word of caution is in order before we begin.
The Bible warns us of the conditions which will prevail in the latter days of the church age. There is much reason to believe we are now living in that time.

II Timothy 3:1-5
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

This being the case, it should be of no surprise when we find instructions for a happy home in the word of God not only unpopular, but even opposed by current opinion. May God help those who have trusted Him for the salvation of their souls also trust Him for the keeping of their homes.

Psalms 127:1
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

Primitive Laws

In order to raise children properly and have the full blessing of God on the home, it is imperative that mother and father have a proper relationship first individually with God and then with each other. The individual's relationship to God begins with receiving the Lord Jesus Christ as Saviour (see Lessons 1 and 2). After this, it means "walking in the light" (1John 1:7) or in obedience to God's word in order to have fellowship with and guidance from Him. As both mother and father allow this to be true in their lives they will want to obey the primitive laws which God set in motion at the time of man and woman's creation and subsequent fall.
Note these elements found in Genesis 3:14 through 19. You might circle the (T) after each statement if it is still true today, or the (F) if it is no longer true today:

1. The serpent was cursed above all cattle and beast of the field and made to crawl on it's belly. (T) (F)
2. The Lord put enmity (enemy) between the serpent and the woman. (T) (F)
3. The Lord greatly multiplied the sorrow of the woman saying, "in sorrow shalt thou bring forth children." (T) (F)
4. To the woman the Lord said, "Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (T) (F)
5. God commanded that the earth bring forth thorns and thistles. (T) (F)
6. God told man he would eat his food in the sweat of his face (In order to properly understand this, we should realize that man may make attempts at altering the law, but one way or another man will pay. In this case, the man who earns his living without perspiration either suffers ill health or takes on an exercise routine to keep fit, thus sweating.) (T) (F)
7. God told Adam, "Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return." (T) (F)

The correct answer to all of the above is TRUE. They are ALL still true today. However, today, men quite often have failed in taking their proper place as head and provider and woman have followed suit thinking to resolve the problems by likewise disobeying God. Just as none of the other primitive laws may be violated without consequence, the headship of man and submission of woman (1Corinthians 11:3) may not be violated either.

Psalms 128:1-4
Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways. For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.

Husbands

Ephesians 5:23
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

True godly headship is not a perch or a soft place of just being served. God is the Head over all of His creation. When we pray, we expect Him to WORK on our behalf.

Matthew 20:26-28
... but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.

HEADSHIP = AUTHORITY + RESPONSIBILITY

True godly headship is composed of authority plus responsibility.

Authority:

While authority or headship in the home has been vested in the man by Almighty God, the husband has two ways to exercise this authority in his family. He may use fright of physical or mental abuse, for example: shouting, anger, pouting, temper tantrums etc. OR reverence toward him due to his loving care for the family's physical, mental and spiritual needs.

Responsibility:

As the word clearly indicates, 'response-ability' is the ability to respond. In the case of a family it involves responding to their needs. If a family suffers due to the lack of their needs being met, the father is primarily responsible for this.

Ephesians 5:25-29
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Following are some practical applications of godly headship :

Making Decisions:

A grave problem in some homes today is the lack of the husband taking his proper place in assuming the responsibilities for the needs of the family. One of the most flagrant areas of this lack is in making decisions. The ability to make wise family decisions comes from a close walk with God.

Colossians 1:9-10
For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;

"Her desire shall be to her husband" in part means the wife will be looking to the husband to make decisions. She will be uncomfortable in taking the responsibility of making final decisions. This does NOT mean she does not have opinions or wishes about any given subject. The wise husband will consider his wife's desires and knowledge on any given subject, but he is appointed by God to make decisions, and to take the responsibility for such decisions. After prayerful consideration and requests for strength and wisdom from God, make the following decision for your family even as Joshua did many years ago:

Joshua 24:15
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve;...but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

Clear Directions and Instructions:

Most men have at one time or another worked for a boss who failed to give clear instructions and became angry when things did not turn out as he wished. This is particularly annoying if the boss does not realize he is the one at fault and blames his employees for inefficiency. This is the plight of many wives who are not given clear instructions.
Husbands need to understand their wives have been created different than they have been. Someone has described the difference as "men read headlines and women read the stories." Often the woman wants to know details when the man is happy with the highlights. Many differences could be cited. Sufficient is God's word on the subject:

1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

There may be times when the husband's tone of voice may be of greater importance to the wife than the actual words spoken. If men would treat their wives as they did while courting them, much happiness for both could be attained in the marriage.
Remember also that your mate is not a mind reader anymore than you are. Be sure to tell her what you want, like, don't want and don't like. Do not pout, walk away or throw a childish tantrum until she figures it out. Tell her with consideration and respect.

Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

The root meaning of the word 'bitter' in the above verse means to cut or prick. While wives may be guilty of nagging their husbands, contrary to God's will, a husband may be just as guilty before God for the use of sarcastic remarks intended to cut or prick his wife. These kind of remarks are cowardly, unloving and childish. They are a tool of Satan used to wound and destroy relationships and homes. There is no place in the roll of a godly husband for such remarks. On the contrary, the husband is required of God to love his wife and care for her as the Lord Jesus Christ cares for His church (Ephesians 5:27).

Making Time for Her:

More than anything else your wife wants YOU!

Genesis 3:16
Unto the woman he said, ... and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Ephesians 5:23
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

This again may be a subject hard for men to truly comprehend. Many men find their careers occupy a good portion of their time, energy and thoughts*. For a goodly portion of his day his thoughts may be occupied in this pursuit. His wife, however, spends her day cleaning his house, washing his clothes and preparing his food. She watches the clock for his return and prepares herself accordingly. If she is a mother, the additional burden of caring for children is added with the majority of her day's conversation on their level.
*A word of caution is needed here. Every Christian man needs to ask God to help him honestly determine if the hours he is spending earning a living are necessary to support his family or has he allowed himself to be caught by the vice of greed. These diverse occupations of the day meet when the husband returns home from work. He is looking forward to relaxing. She may be looking forward to adult conversation and discussion of her day's problems. The wise husband will realize his wife's needs. He will make himself available sometime during the evening to LISTEN to her thoughts, questions and problems. He will help her sort them out and give her direction.

Body, soul and spirit:

The love a husband is to have for his wife should be manifested by care for her in all three aspects of her being...body, soul and spirit. Remember the sweet girl you pursued until she accepted your offer to be your wife? If she has changed, what part did you play in the change?

Body:

1. The physical necessities of the family are the responsibility of the husband.
   

   
   

   Genesis 3:19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

   
   

   Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.





2. The two income family has probably done more damage to the home than we will ever be able to calculate. It robs the wife of her opportunity to be the homemaker she could be. It robs the husband of his proper headship in this area. And, if there are children, it robs them of parents who are able to perform to the quality level they would and could otherwise. The family who must get along with less of the material world because mother is at home rather than in the work place, is a much wealthier family.




3. Husbands should consider what their wife's impression of them might be in the physical realm. Do they see you clean shaven and well groomed each morning as you leave for work, but unshaven and sloppily dressed on your days at home? If so, how would you feel if the rolls were reversed? Remember how you groomed yourself when you were courting your wife?




4. Someone once said the sexual part of marriage begins at the breakfast table for the wife. What they meant by this is that the man is quickly aroused whereas the woman is aroused by the entire lifestyle of her man. She loves and is sexually drawn to him because he is her protector and provider. This is an over-simplification of the sexual portion of marriage and is not intended to be a complete treatise on the subject. However, some men fail to realize this very important fact. The husband who is failing to provide for his wife's various needs may find her unresponsive in the personal part of their marriage. The sex act, particularly to a godly Christian woman, involves the complete marriage.

Soul (emotions):

We have already discussed above the need for a husband to make time to listen and help sort out his wife's feelings. By kind, respectful words he needs to comfort and correct her as needed. A thought to remember is that men get their rewards for a job well down by a paycheck, an occasional bonus or perhaps an award. But when is the wife's payday? Note the following:

Proverbs 31:28
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Do you thank her for clean clothes, a clean house, and well prepared food? If your boss at work fails to ever notice your good work does it not take the incentive away. Conversely, if he does praise your work doesn't it make you want to do even better? How about your wife?

Spirit (her relationship with God):

By all means Christians need to have regular Christian fellowship and Bible study (Hebrews 10:25). However, it is the husband's responsibility to "sanctify and cleanse" his wife (Ephesians 5:26).

1 Corinthians 14:35
And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

It is imperative that a husband live in such a way that he is an "example of the believer" (1#160;Timothy 4:12). To do otherwise is to undermine any teaching he may give his family and hurt their testimony for Christ.

Proverbs 11:29
He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.

A Wheel

Husband and wife relationships are like a revolving wheel. When the husband treats the wife with love and respect while providing for her needs, it causes the wife to want to be submissive, obedient and loving in return. This causes the husband to be more what God would have him to be toward his wife, which causes her to be what she should be toward him, etc. Conversely, if the husband does not provide for the wife, she is tempted to respond in kind, thus turning the wheel in the wrong direction.
If you find that your home is spinning in the wrong direction, by all means it is your responsibility, as head of your home, to make the moves that will cause it to spin in the right direction. The key is obedience to God's commands.

COMPATIBILITY = COMMITMENT + COMMUNICATION

God intended for marriage to be the union of two people into one. Are you and your spouse on the same team?

Quote of the day..

In Germany they came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up. 

A Thought of Giving

The sun is shining today and about half of my tulips are opened... colors sure do make things unique! After much contemplation and research I decided to take the Celexa my doctor prescribed to me... I'm sure I will know in about a month if it's doing it's job. If my writing becomes dark and dreary you can guess that it may not be doing it's job.... In the meantime, I started doing yoga, some aerobic exercise and a diet that is good, pure, etc.. a piece of cake will still be in the cards for my future... or two.

So what do you all do to fulfill your life? I mean really leave with a sense of true fulfillment? I had a conversation with an older lady a few days back and her reply was making baked goods to take to the elderly home in her area. Just spending time with some of the old folks listening to their stories while enjoying one of her many sweet treats brings joy and fulfillment to her life. That's very nice and giving I thought... being nice and giving would bring a sense of fulfillment to anybodies life don't you agree?

We all have things to give.... So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets ~ Matthew 7:12

Another God before me? Who?

I'm debating making a tuna fish sandwich or going outside to weed... tough decision but I think my stomach will rule on this one!

I thought our church service today included a good thought provoking message. It was on the 10 commandments and today was about the first - Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Our biggest God we put before Him is our self... think about it. We put our self, our needs, wants, desires, etc... before Him. Why? Because we a selfish. What we really need to learn is if we put Him first all of our needs, wants, desires, etc.. will fall into place because putting Him first means He is directing your life and they will ultimately be his needs, wants, desires, etc... His perfect will which promises us peace.

Have you ever heard the statement "Let go and let God?" It's hard to let go and trust something we cannot see... that's where we live by faith. If you don't have enough faith then pray for more and you will surely get a go around with your faith..  a lesson in faith if you will. Letting go allows us to relax, teaches us patience and frees our time to enjoy life.

Where do you place most of your attention? Too many "things" are replacing time in the word.... make time for God and he will make time for you.

Don't Waste Now! by Maribeth Jordan

I think this article may be a bit judgemental but here it goes...

Most men need to wake up and take note of how they are treating their wives/children. Being married, providing for a family and an occasional conversation does not cut the mustard. To much time is being spent "relaxing" after work watching sports, news, etc.. When was the last time you shut the TV off and asked her out to dinner? How about a sweet gesture of flowers or a card that says I care? I see so many men going and doing for other people and when it comes to their own families, well, they can just wait - unacceptable!

Life is short... your kids will grow up and move out before you know it. Don't waste time getting to know them or becoming involved in their life. Will you want them to be involved in your life when your senile and lonely? Just company can be very soothing whether your 10 or 80 - and remember we get what we give.

Don't think guys that "they just know I care" or "She knows I love her".... it takes "updating" reminding them often even if it's as your leaving for work - a simple, "I love you" or "your very important to me" or just "Thank you" for who she is. You want a better wife guys then love her and she will be better. Spend time with her and she will cherish that time and respect you for making that time.

Time is invaluable and as we all know - short... don't believe me? Go to your local cementary and check out the dates on the head stones... then take note how many just have one body buried... you will spend enough time apart soon enough - don't waste now!

Quote of the day..

And I saw the river
over which every soul must pass
to reach the kingdom of heaven
and the name of that river was suffering:
and I saw a boat which carries souls across the river
and the name of that boat was
love.

Creating a Legacy of Forgiveness: Cancel the Debt by Charles R. Swindoll

I'll forgive . . . but I'll never forget. We hear that so much, it's easy to shrug it off as "only natural." That's just the problem! It is the most natural response we can expect. Not supernatural. It can also have tragic consequences.
In his book Great Church Fights, Leslie Flynn tells of two unmarried sisters who lived together, but, because of an unresolved disagreement over an insignificant issue, they stopped speaking to each other (one of the inescapable results of refusing to forgive). Since they were either unable or unwilling to move out of their small house, they continued to use the same rooms, eat at the same table, use the same appliances, and sleep in the same room . . . all separately . . . without uttering one word. A chalk line divided the sleeping area into halves, separating doorways as well as the fireplace. Each would come and go, cook and eat, sew and read without ever stepping over into her sister's territory. Through the black of night, each could hear the deep breathing of the other, but, because both were unwilling to take the first step toward forgiving and releasing whatever was the offense, they coexisted for years in grinding silence.
Refusing to forgive and cancel the debt leads to other tragedies, like monuments of spite. How many Christian organizations split (often over nitpicky issues), then spin off into another direction, fractured, splintered, and bitterly opinionated? How many families choose to hold on to memories of resentment, rather than create legacies of forgiveness? And churches can be the worst at this!
After I spoke at a summer Bible conference meeting one evening, a woman told me that she and her family had been camping across America. In their travels, they drove through a town, passing by a church with a name she said she would never forget -
The Original Church of God, Number Two.
Whether our dispute is a personal or a public matter, we quickly reveal whether we possess a servant's heart in how we respond to those who have offended us. We always have a choice. Will we choose to hold on to the things that have hurt us until we've erected monuments of spite that divide our once harmonious relationships . . . or will we choose to create lasting legacies of forgiveness by forgiving those that hurt us and then releasing the offense . . . canceling the debt? Don't miss those final words.
It isn't enough simply to say, "Well, okay - you're forgiven, but don't expect me to release you!" That means we have constructed a monument of spite in our mind, which isn't forgiveness at all.
Before I go on, let me say this: I don't mean to imply that you forget what happened, or that you are able to erase the incident from your memory, or that you don't hold someone responsible for abusive or criminal behavior or financial debts. We live in reality. It's impossible for victims of rape to remove the unspeakable crime from their memory. Memories of childhood abuse cannot be wisped away like leaves falling from a tree. Scars, both physical and emotional, are lasting pictures of a terrible pain.
What I do mean is that we release people from the guilt and no longer hold the offense over their heads. When we choose to "cancel the debt," we unshackle people from the dark emotions lurking in our hearts that say, Never. Never let this go. In fact, for those who have experienced life-altering offenses, choosing to forgive and release people can be an ongoing process. When Peter asked Jesus, "'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven'" (Matthew 18:21-22).
Servants must be broad-shouldered people - big enough to go on, big enough to remember the right, and big enough to forgive the wrong by releasing the offender of any guilt, pain, or grudges.

Quote of the day..

Great things happen on water . . . treacherous things too. Both occurred the night that followed Jesus’s miraculous feeding of more than 5,000 people. A band of frightened men, Jesus’s disciples, shook with terror in a storm-tossed boat on an inky-black sea. Why were they afraid? Weren’t they eyewitnesses to His miracles? Mark 6:52 records a heartbreaking moment in Scripture: “[the disciples] had not gained any insight from the incident of the loaves, but their heart was hardened.” It took a storm to help the disciples learn a valuable lesson. What will it take for you to surrender to Jesus in faith?

Psalms 23.

Quote of the day..

Learn how to carry a friendship greatly, whether or not it is returned. Why should one regret if the receiver is not equally generous? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining.

Free from the Ghost of Guilt!

“As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12
There are two days that can steal the joy from today. One is yesterday and the other is tomorrow.
Paul exhorts in Philippians 3:13-14, “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”
We are to forget the past—the guilt, the glory, the grief, and the grudges. Paul was one who was guilty, along with others, for the stoning of Stephen. He said he was the chiefest of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). But Paul buried that guilt in the grave of God’s forgetfulness.
Maybe you’ve done something so horrible that you’re gripped with fear to think someone would find out what you’ve done. Have you repented? Then don’t be haunted by the ghost of guilt.
Have you done something worse than being an accessory to the murder of one of the leaders of the New Testament Church?If Paul can be forgiven, my friend, you can be forgiven!

Quote of the day..

When Christ said that man does not live by bread alone, he spoke of a hunger. This hunger was not the hunger of the body. It was not the hunger for bread. He spoke of a hunger that begins deep down in the very depths of our being. He spoke of a need as vital as breath. He spoke of our hunger for love.

Love is something you and I must have. We must have it because our spirit feeds upon it. We must have it because without it we become weak and faint. Without love our self-esteem weakens. Without it our courage fails. Without love we can no longer look out confidently at the world...

But with love, we are creative. With it, we march tirelessly. With it, and with it alone, we are able to sacrifice for others.

Hope Beyond the Hurt by Charles R. Swindoll

I got the call one cold February afternoon. My father said, “Son, I think your mother is gone.” The news took me completely by surprise. “Gone? Do you mean dead?” I asked. “Yes, I think she’s dead.”
I hurried over to my parents’ apartment in Dallas. My sister had arrived before me and was talking with my father when I came in. My mother lay motionless on the sofa where she had stretched out for a nap and, somewhere in her dreams, breathed her last.
That was back in 1971. She was only 63. I’m not sure which was harder though; losing my mother so suddenly or watching my father die slowly over the next nine years. I believe it was the latter. He came to live with us during that time, so I learned a lot about grief—how necessary it is for healing, yet how easily it can become its own kind of slow death.
I’m convinced that no one can fully recover from loss without allowing himself or herself to feel and express sorrow completely. Yet one person’s grieving is not another’s. I’ve seen some people move beyond a significant loss in a matter of weeks, while others took many, many months. The length of a person’s recovery says nothing about his or her spirituality. The mourning process is just as individual and unique as a fingerprint. I want to be clear on that before you read further.
While grief is part of our built-in healing process, it’s also possible for a person to so nurture and nourish grief that he or she keeps it alive like a cherished pet. In time, that individual can lose perspective, lose heart, and in many ways, die before dying.
My mother was the spark of my father’s life. She inspired the fun, the creativity, and the laughter in our home. She introduced us to great music and encouraged us to play instruments and sing. If my father had any joy or delight in life, most of it came from her. So when my mother died first, it was like the light clicked off in his life. He had no hobbies, very few friends, and no interests other than watching television. He never read much. His world was reduced to the tight radius of rooms in our house, preferably with the blinds drawn and his door closed. However, we didn’t let it stay that way. As a family, we did our best to help him find life after my mother’s death, but nothing seemed to replace her spark.
Embracing sorrow is necessary for healing to take place. Equally important is the decision to put an end to the grief. No one can rush the grieving process, but it’s vital we enter it with the determination to stop it one day. That’s why we must seek specific ways to ensure that the healing process lingers no longer than necessary.
Having faced my own share of tragedy and sorrow over the years, I have found two perspectives to be very helpful. One is looking back at the past, and the other is looking forward to the future—in other words, healthy reflection on the hurt and deliberate expectation of the hope that certainly will come. I find that keeping a journal is the best place to do that. In fact, it’s so effective that many grief counselors prescribe journaling to their clients.
I look back by reading through the journals that I have kept over the years. This often helps me see a consistent pattern of God’s faithfulness through old trials, which gives me confidence that any new struggle I face may be just as difficult and just as temporary. As a result, I find myself enduring hurt with a lot less fear. Journaling has equipped me to grieve the inevitable heartbreaks that come, large and small, without re-opening the wounds.
I look forward by making some decisions—resolutions, if you will—as to how I’m going to use my current trial in future ministry. Viktor Frankl did this during his struggle to survive the horrors of a Nazi death camp. He imagined how his ordeal might be useful in his practice and teaching of psychology after the war, even though he had no reason to expect that he would survive.

I became disgusted with the state of affairs which compelled me, daily and hourly, to think of only such trivial things. I forced my thoughts to turn to another subject. Suddenly I saw myself standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room. In front of me sat an attentive audience on comfortable upholstered seats. I was giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp! All that oppressed me at that moment became objective, seen and described from the remote viewpoint of science. By this method I succeeded somehow in rising above the situation, above the sufferings of the moment, and I observed them as if they were already of the past. . . . The prisoner who had lost faith in the future—his future—was doomed.¹

Resolving to use current struggles in a better future gives me a sense of mastery over the circumstances that would otherwise feel oppressive. Paul drew heavily on personal experience in affirming that, because of the Holy Spirit, no trial would ever dominate him.

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

I have found that resolving to take action in today’s darkness helps me claim the hope that Scripture promises as I press toward a brighter tomorrow.
People enduring a tragedy often need help getting beyond the pain. They may not have the ability to see the hope beyond the hurt. They often need the healthy perspective of loved ones. They may need someone to recount to them past times when God demonstrated His faithfulness. Furthermore, they may have to depend upon the imagination of others in order to envision a future beyond their pain. Many who hurt may not consider processing their thoughts in a journal during the healing process without someone prompting them to start.
Ask yourself:

• Is there someone I know who may be carrying a giant load of sorrow on his or her shoulders?
• Is there one coming upon a milestone or a significant transition in life who could use my help in gaining a healthy perspective?
• Who might be standing on the threshold of a very challenging future?

Perhaps this friend or loved one hasn’t thought to pause and mark the moment. With a glance at the past and a realistic look at the future, maybe you can help him or her see the hope beyond this present hurt. It could be the best gift he or she receives all year.

Quote of the day..

The hardest work we can do is “knee” work. We’ll find anything else easier to do than pray. Yet Jesus not only told us that men “ought to pray and not to lose heart” (Luke 18:1), He showed us by praying Himself. One with the Father, Jesus still felt the need to pray — and He prayed all the time. After the last meal Jesus shared with His disciples but before the soldiers came for Him in Gethsemane, Jesus let us eavesdrop on His talk with the Father. It is truly “the Lord’s Prayer.” Found in John 17, it is one of the most remarkable and longest intercessions in all of God’s Word.

The Stairs ~ a short poem

Oh long and dark the stairs I trod,
with stumbling feet to find my God,
Gaining a foothold bit by bit
Then slipping back and losing it.

There came a certain time when I
Loosened my hold and fell thereby,
Down to the lowest step my fall
As if I had not climbed at all.

And as I lay despairing there,
there came a footfall on the stairs
And 'lo' when hope had ceased to be
My God came down the stairs to me.

Quote of the day..

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

Prayer Requests ~ from Hope

I posted a comment on the Hope page http://www.facebook.com/pages/Hope/273738170804?ref=ts yesterday asking if anybody needed prayer. My husband and I thought it would be good to start broadening our prayers to include other peoples needs. I was overwhelmed at the amount of requests received - we all have so many needs.... some painful, some concern, sadness, lost, etc... the list can go on and on.

I encourage you to go over some of these requests and pick just a few to pray over. The power of prayer is strong... especially in numbers. We may not always get what we ask for but we certainly get an answer or the help/comfort that is needed. We pray for the power of the Lord to move in situations and he promises to honor our prayers. Just know whatever the outcome, he was/is in control of that situation and it was his will/timing for that particular situation/outcome.

Please remember one verse as I end this blog today. Romans 8:28... I will not write it out here, I want you to look it up. Leave the verse in a comment at the end of this blog. This is an answer from our Lord.

Please remember to visit the site and pray over some requests, you will surely be blessed for it.

Quote of the day..

And Joy is Everywhere;
It is in the Earth's green covering of grass;
In the blue serenity of the Sky;
In the reckless exuberance of Spring;
In the severe abstinence of gray Winter;
In the Living flesh that animates our bodily frame;
In the perfect poise of the Human figure, noble and upright;
In Living;
In the exercise of all our powers;
In the acquisition of Knowledge;
in fighting evils...
Joy is there Everywhere.

 

Quote of the day..

Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.

Quote of the day..

The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of life is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give. The joy of life is to love.

Sudden Anxiety - Attack or Escape?

Last week I experienced a sudden rush of panic without warning... where could this be coming from I thought? Putting it out of my mind I continued about my day only to have the thought creep back in from time to time "is something wrong with me?"

My breathing became an issue of focus as I would often feel it "choking" me. After the "choking" effect my heart would race and the dizziness would set in - What in the world! I thought.

Thursday I was driving to meet my mother and brothers for lunch and had a sudden urge to turn the car around and head to the ER. Upon arrival I found it difficult to walk from the car to the ER door due to my palpitating heart, shallow breathing and sheer panic. I managed to make it up to the front desk, told the nurse I was having chest pains and she immediately took me back to a small room to perform an EKG. Handing me a box of tissues she says she will give the test to the doctor and he will be in shortly to read my results. I asked her how they looked and she said she cannot tell me... I will have to wait for the doctor. Well if that didn't re-start my panic.. I thought for sure I would be needing heat surgery! :/

About five minutes later a friendly Philippine doctor enters the room. He proceeds to show me my EKG and assures me that I am fine and have a strong healthy heart. He begins to ask questions... lots of questions! He learns my father has just passed away and that I watched him pass. He learns my ex-husband died suddenly at the age of 40 from a massive heart attack. He learns many other things as he continues to ask questions. Doctor X tells me I am suppressing grief and loss and my body is reacting in panic ~ releasing these suppressed feelings. I sat there in dis-belief.... I have accepted my fathers death, I handle stress well, etc... He knows I have had GAD since my 20's (General Anxiety Dis-order) no big deal, I just accepted it and lived with it.. it never bothered me too much and I still performed at high levels always advancing in my careers. I never sought treatment for this. Nothing a glass of wine couldn't fix... right? Well here's what the doc says...

Let me explain it like this. Think of a window pane with a crack down the left side - the crack being your anxiety (GAD). Now think of a violent thunder storm (my fathers death) hitting that window. Where do you think the bang and shake of the thunder will affect the window? Right in the weakest spot... the crack, your anxiety. Now you have a window that is broken.. anxiety that is out of control. Doctor X says everybody has a weak point when trauma hits... some turn to drugs and alcohol, some withdraw and slip into depression, some experience severe headaches, stomach and back pains. The body deals with stress in many different ways and everybody is different. He states I need a little help and prescribes me Ativan.... I have never taken a drug in my life.. what's this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam

Getting my panic under control will help me deal with the issues I am struggling with.. believe me, when you are experiencing anxiety/panic you can't concentrate on anything but the uneasiness you feel.... waiting or wondering if you will lose control. Did I mention my personality is of a controlling nature? That certainly does not mix well with anxiety!

For those of you who do not understand what I am talking about or think it's just something you can forget or change, count yourself lucky.. anxiety is a beast that controls, debilitates and scares... it fights against what you want or think. Some believe it's the subconscious, some believe it's a chemical imbalance... here is a good article to explain. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/complete-index.shtml  and http://www.thehealthcenter.info/adult-anxiety/causes-of-anxiety.htm

Nevertheless, I do believe I endure this for a reason. My prayer is for me to learn what I need while "riding the storm" because this storm will pass. Nothing lasts forever as long as your willing to face, acknowledge and work it. Change will occur when we do not accept the status quo.

I asked for a stronger faith and going through this is in fact teaching me about faith. Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Quote of the day..

How many times have we walked by someone on the street or in a hallway and instead of saying hello we pretend we don't see them? The truth is that all of us, deep down inside, have a need to be seen, acknowledged and appreciated. We are on a spiritual journey that can at times be very lonely. And one of the simplest and most effective ways to help our fellow traveler is to smile and say hello. ~

Ron Atchison

Courage in the Lonely Hour by Charles F. Stanley

Loneliness is one of life’s most painful experiences. Since God created us as relational beings, the absence of companionship can be very discouraging. At some point, all of us have probably dealt with feelings of isolation. But it’s especially difficult when we’re going through a trying situation and there is no one to help or encourage us.
Courage to Endure Loneliness
What we want at that moment is companionship, support, and comfort so that our emotional pain will go away. But sometimes the situation persists, and the isolation seems as if it will go on forever. At times like this, we need courage to endure.
Did you know that God can use your loneliness to achieve His purposes in your life? Sometimes He allows such situations because they are prime opportunities to develop godly character within us, train us to depend on Him, and bring us into a closer relationship with Him. When we’re all alone and others are unable or unwilling to help, He is the One who never leaves us.
Paul knew the pain of loneliness. After many years of faithful service to the Lord, the apostle found himself in a cold, dank Roman prison. His last letter to Timothy gives us a glimpse of his conditions, priorities, and attitude during the final days of his earthly life.
Although he had continually given himself in service to others, at the end of his life, Paul was lonely; only Luke was with him (2 Tim. 4:9-16). Demas, one of his former companions, had deserted him, and other coworkers had moved on to various places. And sadly, at his first defense before the Roman court, Paul says, “No one supported me, but all deserted me” (v. 16).
Be careful not to spiritualize Paul. When we make him out to be a “super saint,” we miss seeing the ways God worked in his life and fail to realize that He could accomplish the same things in us. Paul was a flesh-and-blood person with all the weaknesses of humanity. He struggled with feelings, frustrations, and difficulties, just as you and I do. Put yourself in his place, and feel the discomfort and isolation of his last days.
Paul experienced loneliness on so many levels. He missed the company of those he loved and felt the pain of being deserted by Demas. The constraints and discomforts of prison life added to his sense of isolation. He was no longer free to do what he loved most—to travel the world, spreading the gospel, starting churches, and discipling believers. And with each passing day, he knew his death was imminent.
The Lord’s Provision in Our Loneliness
But prison life was not the only isolating situation Paul faced. When he was called before the Roman authorities to make his defense, no one supported him. Yet he tells us that he was not alone. The Lord stood with him and strengthened him so that he could fully accomplish God’s purposes (v. 17).
The assurance of Christ’s presence. Though the Romans ruled the world, the Ruler of the universe was standing beside Paul. One man plus Christ is more powerful than any earthly authority. When he faced the court, I am sure his courage grew as his thoughts raced to past situations when the Lord had been with him in danger and difficulty. I’d like to urge you to write down what God is doing in your life. Having a written account will remind you of His past faithfulness and encourage you to trust Him with your present situation.
Even though our personal experiences with God are invaluable, our greatest source of assurance is the Bible. Throughout its pages, the Lord tells His people that He is with them. Before Christ ascended to the Father, He promised His followers, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matt. 28:20). In fact, believers have the Holy Spirit within them, and He will remain there forever (John 14:16-17). In times of weakness, loneliness, or fear, remember that the Lord is always with you—even if you can’t perceive Him.
The reality of God’s constant presence with us is a fact, but we are not always aware of Him, especially in lonely periods. Haven’t you sometimes wondered, If He’s with me, why can’t I sense Him? Why do I feel so alone? When His presence is undetectable, our courage to face isolation and difficulty weakens. At times like this, we need to depend on fact, not feelings. Rely on the truth that He will never leave or forsake those who have been saved (Heb. 13:5).
The provision of divine strength. The second way the Lord helped Paul face the Roman authorities alone was by strengthening him (v. 17). Years earlier Paul had written a letter to the Philippians telling them, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13). Now he was practicing what he preached. The powerful presence of the Lord gave him the boldness he needed to proclaim Christ in this threatening situation.
In his lifetime of walking with Christ, the apostle had learned that times of weakness were God’s invitation to depend on Him. When Paul was struggling with a “thorn in the flesh,” the Lord said to him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). Don’t let yourself feel hopeless in your loneliness. When you are emotionally, physically, or spiritually weak, you are in a prime position to witness firsthand the power of God working within you. He’ll give the strength and courage to endure whatever you are going through.
The fulfillment of God’s calling. One thing we can rely on is God’s faithfulness: He will always empower us to fulfill His purposes for our lives. Paul said that the Lord strengthened him “so that through [him] the proclamation might be fully accomplished, and that all the Gentiles might hear” (2 Tim 4:17). He knew this was where God wanted him to be—that his incarceration and trial were an integral part of fulfilling his calling.
In fact, before Paul’s first imprisonment in Rome, the Lord clearly told him this was his destiny. When the Jews in Jerusalem were trying to kill him, Jesus stood by his side and said, “Take courage; for as you have solemnly witnessed to My cause at Jerusalem, so you must witness at Rome also” (Acts 23:11). And during a storm on the way to Rome, an angel of God stood before him saying, “Do not be afraid, Paul; you must stand before Caesar” (Acts 27:24).
Since Paul’s desire was to do God’s will, we can be sure that he jumped at this chance to proclaim Christ to the Roman rulers of that day. He didn’t compromise or soften his message in order to save his own life. When a person has the conviction that he is doing the work God has called him to accomplish, he’s filled with zeal and bravery, which all the forces of evil cannot destroy.
This display of courage was not Paul’s first; his previous history of boldness had shaped his current response. Whenever we stand up for what we believe, God uses that as an opportunity to strengthen us for the next challenge—which may very well be more difficult and costly. Paul’s life was on the line, but he did not consider his life as dear to himself. His goal was to finish the ministry he’d received from the Lord Jesus (Acts 20:24).
The fear of death can cause us to lose courage, but the realization that God holds our days in His hand gives us the confidence to press on. The Lord has a course mapped out for each of us, and He guards our way as we seek to fulfill it. Although Paul was willing to die as a result of his testimony before the court, the Lord’s purposes for him were not yet complete; therefore, his life was spared (2 Tim 4:17).
To the casual observer, Paul’s ministry appeared to be over. After all, he was getting older and for the second time in his life, he was stuck in a Roman jail, unable to do what he’d done before. But God doesn’t count the value of our days as man does. In His eyes, a bedridden believer in a nursing home still has a purpose and a calling from Him. You can be sure that if you are breathing, the Lord still has plans for you.
A Godly Response to Loneliness
Maintain an eternal focus. Throughout his prison ordeal, Paul was able to respond in a godly fashion because he never lost his eternal focus. His goal was to finish what the Lord had called him to do and receive the heavenly reward laid up for him (2 Tim. 4:6-8). Without this kind of eternal perspective, we are all likely to descend into self-pity or bitterness.
Keep reaching out. But Paul never became inwardly focused. Until his dying breath, he looked for ways to share the gospel of hope. His last letter is filled with concern for others and advice for his dear friend Timothy. The limitations imposed by his situation did not hinder him from serving and caring for other people.
Hold no grudges. Despite being abandoned, Paul did not hold a grudge. When no one supported him at his trial, he said, “May it not be counted against them” (v. 16). He wasn’t even bitter toward God because of his lonely situation. Although a prison hardly seemed a fitting end for such a faithful servant, Paul considered it the last phase of his assignment from the Lord. He courageously endured until God brought him safely into His heavenly kingdom.
Stay in the word. As Paul closed his letter, he requested little from Timothy: just a cloak and “the books, especially the parchments” (v. 13). The cloak was obviously for his physical comfort, but the reading material was for spiritual support. The parchments were probably copies of the Old Testament—though he didn’t have long to live, Paul wanted the Scriptures. They had guided his heart and mind for so many years, and he longed for their comfort and encouragement in the cold and lonely dungeon.
For all of us, there will be times when we feel alone or when others are unable or unwilling to help. But dwelling on our situation or others’ wrongs against us leads only to resentment and self-pity. However, if we seek the Lord and rely on the truth of His Word, we will discover the comfort and strength of His presence. Courage will enter our souls, empowering us to endure loneliness and finish the course God has set for us.
Questions for Further Study
Paul’s Experience
1. Read 2 Timothy 4:6-22. What mindset grounded Paul during this difficult season of his life (vv. 6-8, 18)?
2. What contributed to his loneliness (vv. 9-16)? Describe his attitude toward those who had let him down.
3. How did the Lord help him (v. 17)?
Elijah’s Experience
1. Read 1 Kings 19:1-18. Elijah felt totally alone after a great spiritual victory. Where was his focus (vv. 1-4)? How did his perspective shape his emotions and outlook?
2. Before addressing emotional needs, how did God meet his physical needs (vv. 5-8)?
3. How did the Lord interact with Elijah (vv. 9-13)? Was He gentle or harsh?
4. Elijah wanted to quit, but God was not finished with him (vv. 14-18). When we feel all alone, how does a revived sense of purpose give courage to persevere?
The Psalmist’s Experience
1. Read Psalm 71. Where do verses 1-6 show that the psalmist placed his hope?
2. Why was he lonely (vv. 7-12)?
3. How did he respond to his situation (vv. 12-16)?
4. What goal gives courage to persevere (vv. 17-21)? What is the heart attitude that permeates verses 22-24?