My breathing became an issue of focus as I would often feel it "choking" me. After the "choking" effect my heart would race and the dizziness would set in - What in the world! I thought.
Thursday I was driving to meet my mother and brothers for lunch and had a sudden urge to turn the car around and head to the ER. Upon arrival I found it difficult to walk from the car to the ER door due to my palpitating heart, shallow breathing and sheer panic. I managed to make it up to the front desk, told the nurse I was having chest pains and she immediately took me back to a small room to perform an EKG. Handing me a box of tissues she says she will give the test to the doctor and he will be in shortly to read my results. I asked her how they looked and she said she cannot tell me... I will have to wait for the doctor. Well if that didn't re-start my panic.. I thought for sure I would be needing heat surgery! :/
About five minutes later a friendly Philippine doctor enters the room. He proceeds to show me my EKG and assures me that I am fine and have a strong healthy heart. He begins to ask questions... lots of questions! He learns my father has just passed away and that I watched him pass. He learns my ex-husband died suddenly at the age of 40 from a massive heart attack. He learns many other things as he continues to ask questions. Doctor X tells me I am suppressing grief and loss and my body is reacting in panic ~ releasing these suppressed feelings. I sat there in dis-belief.... I have accepted my fathers death, I handle stress well, etc... He knows I have had GAD since my 20's (General Anxiety Dis-order) no big deal, I just accepted it and lived with it.. it never bothered me too much and I still performed at high levels always advancing in my careers. I never sought treatment for this. Nothing a glass of wine couldn't fix... right? Well here's what the doc says...
Let me explain it like this. Think of a window pane with a crack down the left side - the crack being your anxiety (GAD). Now think of a violent thunder storm (my fathers death) hitting that window. Where do you think the bang and shake of the thunder will affect the window? Right in the weakest spot... the crack, your anxiety. Now you have a window that is broken.. anxiety that is out of control. Doctor X says everybody has a weak point when trauma hits... some turn to drugs and alcohol, some withdraw and slip into depression, some experience severe headaches, stomach and back pains. The body deals with stress in many different ways and everybody is different. He states I need a little help and prescribes me Ativan.... I have never taken a drug in my life.. what's this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam
Getting my panic under control will help me deal with the issues I am struggling with.. believe me, when you are experiencing anxiety/panic you can't concentrate on anything but the uneasiness you feel.... waiting or wondering if you will lose control. Did I mention my personality is of a controlling nature? That certainly does not mix well with anxiety!
For those of you who do not understand what I am talking about or think it's just something you can forget or change, count yourself lucky.. anxiety is a beast that controls, debilitates and scares... it fights against what you want or think. Some believe it's the subconscious, some believe it's a chemical imbalance... here is a good article to explain. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/complete-index.shtml and http://www.thehealthcenter.info/adult-anxiety/causes-of-anxiety.htm
Nevertheless, I do believe I endure this for a reason. My prayer is for me to learn what I need while "riding the storm" because this storm will pass. Nothing lasts forever as long as your willing to face, acknowledge and work it. Change will occur when we do not accept the status quo.
I asked for a stronger faith and going through this is in fact teaching me about faith. Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
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